Summary: Tori, Robbie, and Beck are sitting at the lunch table complaining about how hot it is. Tori says she's so hot and Rex says what is on Dan Schneider's sick mind, "Ain't that the truth?". Beck asks how hot it is and Robbie pulls a Zack Morris and pulls out a huge "Pear"-Pad. He says in Hollywood its 103 degrees, Tori then says her arms feel like warm wet ham. This causes me to have a disturbing image of what Dan Schneider does with Ham behind closed doors. Cat and Jade appear and Jade steals Robbie's water bottle. Please remind me why these people bother to hang out with Jade. Tori notices Jade is not sweating, Jade answers that its because she chooses not to because its gross. I thought she liked gross things? After Tori then asks if Jade is cold blooded and a lame insult from Rex, Jade sprays sun screen in Rex's eyes. I am starting to lose extreme interest in this episode. Andre', our favorite Plot-mover, appears and has a kiddy pool he's charging people to swim in. Sinjin is his only client. Cat asks if sweat and pee are cousins. Wow, two whole minutes in this episode and nothing is funny! After more bitching about the heatwave, they all decide to go to Venice Beach because its 91 degrees. Why not just go to Tori's house and stand in front of the Air Conditioner? Trina invites herself after hearing them makes plans, they should tell her that they plan to go on another day and then ditch her. Tori notices Sinjin is drowning in a kiddie pool and saves him, but she refuses to give him mouth to mouth and she leaves him to die. What an intro!
The guys arrive at Venice Beach and Cat runs out of Beck's trailer house (I refuse to call it an RV.) because she has to pee. What asshole forgets to install a fucking toilet in his trailer? Oh I know, one who dates disturbed girls! After Jade remarks Cat has a bladder of a squirrel, Beck asks the guys who is ready for some beach fun. We find out from interrogation by Trina the trailer is parked in his parent's driveway. Rex says at least Beck has parents, implying Robbie is an orphan and we are supposed to find a emotionally unstable boy with multiple personality disorder who lost his parents funny? Dan Schneider, please get fucked. Tori asks why the windows are tinted, I ask is this episode going to get funny. The RV belonged to a rapper named Fat Biscuit and the windows are bulletproof. I don't think Dan Schneider has ever met a black person in his life for him to be so stereotypical of them. Tori asks Jade again why she doesn't sweat, and then finally they decide to hit the beach. Suddenly, they can't open the door, we find out there is this obese man who is compensating for his dead penis with a monstrosity of a RV he parked right in front of Beck's trailers door. Beck is an idiot, you never park a trailer in the middle of a parking lot. The gang is TRAPPED....IN A TRAILER.
With the guys trapped in the trailer, Trina says the smartest thing I ever heard any character say in this show. After suggesting to go out the back door, they find out there is no back door, and she claims that is stupid. You sure are right about that. This trailer is a fucking safety hazard, I bet Beck's parents wanted him to die in the trailer because they hate his stupid hair. Beloved fans, I really ask of you all to bare with me here, because this is when the episode grinds to a already stopped halt. Andre' complains he's getting hot, and Robbie asks if they can open the window, Jade says the windows are bulletproof. Seriously, this episode sucks. Tori demands that Beck push the door open, Beck then develops X-Ray vision because he sees through the bulletproof windows and blocked doorway that there is a RV in front of the door. He says he can't push a 7,000 pound RV out of the way, Tori then says in a totally obnoxious voice "Then push harder!" I wish the trailer blows up from the increased heat it accumulates before the end of this episode. Besides, who brings a fucking trailer to the beach? If Becks' parents can afford this monstrosity for their stupid son, why can't they afford a goddamn bigger car? Besides, if he doesn't want to live by his parent's rules, than why is he borrowing his parent's car, let alone, living in his parents driveway? What a fucking free-loading leech, Beck is the most evil person on the show. Now I know what he has in common with Jade.
The script must have called for; "Yell at each other incoherently.", because that's all that happens until Andre', the Plot-Man, reminds them Cat left, she will obviously notice the trailer is stuck, start Beck's parents truck, pull them out and save them. Andre' is stupid. You are putting your lives in Cat's hands? As I, and anybody could figure out, Cat is distracted by the most feminine looking four guys this side of N'SYNC. She decides to hang out with them. Yes Andre', your hero will save the day. Back to the trailer, they are complaining that Cat is taking to long, they can't call her because their phones get no signal. I wouldn't blame it on "F"-Mobile, just bad writing. Andre' left his phone in his pants, they can't turn on the Air Conditioner unless the truck is on. Yes Beck, a truck pulls your RV, its a trailer asshole. Trina then says for him to start the truck, Trina went back to being an idiot, and then whines why did they invite her. I suggest they all eat Trina to survive. No one will miss her. Andre' then says AGAIN, he's feeling very hot now. They all scream for Cat in desperation as the temperature hits 102 degrees.
Cat and the four girl-boys are getting into a super soaker fight with cold water. I hate this episode, the trailer is now at 107 degrees. The gang is now complaining about random nonsense, and then Tori remembers she brought a battery powered fan. Its a small fan and they all bitch about how small it is. Its over 130 degrees in the desert, you spoiled little fucks. Cue a unfunny scene about them huddled around the fan and complaining some more. Meanwhile, Cat is enjoying cherry shaved ice. I really hate this goddamn episode. Just like my patience, the battery runs out on the fan, and cue more rambling by the gang and Andre' once again complaining about how hot he is. Dan Schneider was paid to write this episode. Noticing that they need to drink some water, yet failing to notice the damn escape pod on the top of the fucking trailer, they decide to drink the water from the fish tank. But since it has to be all wild and crazy, the fish tank is full of scum because Beck forgot to clean the tank. Trina is drinking water from a bottle that she was hiding in her bag. Please, for the love of everything holy, explain to me why these kids don't just tell her that she sucks at life and has no talent and should just make the world better by killing herself? Anyway, there only seems to be enough water in the bottle for one sip from everyone. I really want to slit my wrists right now.
Cat and Boy-Girl are ripping off the pottery scene from Ghost, fuck them, Robbie drinks the meager portion of water, and once again everybody yells incoherently. I really hope Dan Schneider chokes on his fifth breakfast. Jade appears to sweat right now, and she bitches that she doesn't sweat. I fail to find this funny. Then Tori calls Jade, "Catherine Obvious". She is so fucking stupid she doesn't know its Catherine Obvious? This is why you should never go to an Art School. Then we go back to Cat, fuck her, I don't care what she does since she is only dragging out this horrible episode. Back to the scumbags, Andre' once again whines about how hot he is. Robbie then drinks the water in the tank and then throws up in Trina's bag. He should have thrown up all over Trina, now that would have been funny. Then, to be completely insufferable, everyone decides to sing. No mass suicide and cannibalism? With everyone singing that damn Make it Shine song, Cat opens the fucking door! In the biggest scumbag move in writing history, the RV moved a while ago and these retards never decided to try to open the door again. They all decide to go spend what little time they have left at the beach to go to the beach, instead of killing Cat, Trina, and Dan. Then Fat Biscuit appears and I gave up on this episode to care.
Retrospective on the Episode:
Annoying Song Alert: Make It Shine. As if hearing that vile song once per episode was bad enough, they sing it again!
The Slap Update to The Head: Surprisingly, there is no Slap updates in this episode, which is really a Slap to the head. Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: Being stuck in a 107 degree trailer would not allow to you to talk, let alone sing, under that intense heat.
Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: Warm Wet Ham.
Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: Cat being sprayed by four guys with a blast of their liquids.
Dan Schneider is Fo' Rizzle Wit Da Kizzos': Orphaned loners are funny. Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Cat Make it Shine?: Fuck this Show
Conclusions: Fun Fact! This episode has other titles, such as Trapped in an RV and Stuck in an RV, a better title for this episode would be, This Episode Sucks.
Summary: The episode starts off with the guys eating lunch when Cat comes in and puts a futuristic microwave looking thing on the table. Nobody seems to be concerned because these guys are total ass hats. Jade then says is it a device that would beam her to another table, and is interested to push the button that would make Cat move to another table. Jade is already getting bad points in my book and the episode hasn't even reached the first minute mark. Tori then stands up for Cat, only to reveal she also doesn't give a shit about the device. Tori gets a check minus as well. The device is called the Snow-Pee. I hope it's not spelled that way. It's just a snow machine, it gets the snow everywhere and you are not supposed to eat it because it's poison. Did Cat accidentally buy a Murder Machine? Nope, she got it from the Sky Store Catalogue. They got everything, from Murderous Snow Machines, to tree faces, give your trees a face to haunt your dreams. She got the catalogue from her two uncles. Her uncles are homosexual, if you couldn't figure it out. You know what I can't figure out? Where is this episode going?
Robbie comes storming in and is annoyed, but then thinks it snowed, Rex says global warming is bogus. If it was bogus Rex, then there would NOT be no snow in California. This is what happens when you go to art school. After Jade offers for Robbie to eat the snow, the other guys act completely uninterested with whatever Robbie has to say about what is troubling him. These guys need to listen to "With a Little Help From My Friends." Anyway, Robbie's blog on The Slap, which is an OBVIOUS product placement for the real The Slap website, is in danger of being cancelled because its boring. When Robbie asks them if they think it's boring, they all leave. Really, with friends like them, its no wonder Robbie talks to himself in public. Tori tells him to spice up the blog, because all he talks about are boring things, like the Principal's office makeover, okay, maybe it is boring. Tori then tells him to talk about the lives of students. When Tori leaves Robbie says she is cute. Robbie, you can defiantly do better. Rex says a girl like Tori wants a man, not a boy. A girl like Tori needs a beating.
Robbie shows Rex the footage he shot for his blog, which Rex doesn't seem to give a shit. If Robbie is Rex, then he doesn't give a shit about his own work. Why would he become upset that his blog is in danger of being cancelled if he doesn't care? Robbie is a very bad case of Split-Persona Disorder. The footage he got for his blog is a video of him interviewing Sinjin, who reveals he collects teeth from past relatives. Rex/Robbie avoids this nonsense and points out that Tori is squeezing a pimple, that's not something a lady should do in public. Tori is not a lady. Rex says this is what the people want to see. Robbie doesn't want to show footage of that, but Rex insists that if he doesn't do it he will be a loser forever. Robbie says he was never a loser, he's arguing with a puppet in the school computer lab. Later, the school students are checking out the blog, and everyone is seeing Robbie's video with more emphasis on Tori's pimple. Everyone in school is laughing. Then, Cat grabs Beck's leg because she wants to show him a new item she bought. Its a necklace that if one gets too close to her, it sends off an alarm that alerts the police. Wow, another example of the police actually doing their job? Did Dan Schneider write this episode? (Checks out who wrote episode.....) Nope. he's got nothing to do with this episode! No wonder it's actually engaging. After shutting off the "worlds best alarm necklace" and showing Beck the worlds brightest key chain, Beck asks Cat if maybe she is buying too many stuff from the catalogue. Maybe Beck is abusing a girl's emotions by pretending to like her?
Anyway, Robbie enters school and is stopped by some badly dressed seniors who congratulate him for putting something funny on the blog. Robbie then finds out they are not going to kick him off The Slap because his blog is getting popular views. Then Tori appears, and is pissed off, and demands to know why Robbie put the video of her squeezing a pimple. Robbie then says, he was completely justified because she told him that he could put up videos of what the students where doing. She insists she didn't mean videos of them with stuff that grows on her face. I think she meant not to show videos of her. Tori failed logic class, she told him to do it. Deal with it bitch. Robbie then also uses the logic that its popular so it should still be on the blog, but Tori then says he shouldn't use videos to degrade people. But its okay for her to degrade him? Seriously, fuck you Tori. Robbie then decides to not care about what she said, and creates Robarazzi, which is a very clever, and actually funny, parody of TMZ. Even with a look-a-like of Max Hodges. I love this episode! Robbie not only continues to show the video of Tori being a slob in public, but also shows other videos of the other students being slobs. Andre' has a ketchup problem, Sinjin steals presidents teeth, and Beck and Jade are splitting up. Cat is interested with underwear that floats.
At Robarazzi, the camera is even moving in the same style as TMZ on TV, with Robbie acting like Harvey Levin, they all point out that Cat is addicted to Sky Store, cue a funny video of her acting like a drug addict over the deliveries. Robbie points out that she probably dyes her hair, an inside joke? Holy Shit, I just squeed! The show made fun of the show itself! A creative joke! Damn, this is a fucking awesome episode! Suddenly, Andre', Tori, Beck, and Jade run in while he's filming the show, and they all act like Robbie is a bastard for doing this, despite the fact that they really deserve this. Jade says that Beck and her are not breaking up, but Beck insists doubt. Beck, go fuck yourself. Robbie is still filming this while Tori says that they aren't going to be his friends if he still does this slander for his blog. When where you even his friend? Robbie decides to ignore her and he is using this for his show. Tori and the others start yelling at him, and then says its his last chance to stop Robarazzi. Will he?
FUCK NO! Coming up on Robarazzi, Tori, Andre', Beck, Jade, all caught on a psychotic rampage! Cue a video of them screaming in slow motion, and Tori's pissed off face at Robbie's justified revenge. Tori is "omfg, so pissed at Robbie." Andre' is annoyed people asking him for Ketchup, and Jade says that its Tori's fault. It is. Andre' then gets harassed for his Ketchup problem and cue "Robarazzis" for Robbie's blog, the guy even got a fucking army of photographers? Awesome. Tori then says they should not be Robbie's friends until he quits the blog. Good idea, just keep doing what you are doing! Cat has a new item, a juicer. She juices Pizza. I am in such a good mood at how this episode is awesome, I give no shit about this joke. Robbie then appears and sits next to his "friends" and taunts Andre's ketchup problem. Andre' throws his backpack aside. That's so tough Andre', you showed him. Jade throws his burger, wow. You really are a rebel. Tori says for him to stop embarrassing them on his blog, he says they are embarrassing themselves and he just catches it on video. Andre' says they aren't going to be his friends until he stops the blog, Robbie then says he doesn't need them, and he can find friends anywhere else, friends who are smart and attractive. Did I mention this episode is awesome? Cat then offers to juice Tori's bagel, moving on.
Cat now has another useless device, a Tennis ball washer, when Lane walks in and says she is supposed to be in her improve class. She apologizes when Lane says people have been talking that she has been a little overboard with the devices from Sky Store. She admits she borrows her parents credit cards to pay off the prices. After showing him how clean her balls are, Lane then says she doesn't need to buy all this crap and admires how nice her Tennis racket is. Whatever, cut to Tori at home, studying. Really, I thought the school was an acting school, not a real high school. The phone rings, with the ring tone being "You're the Reason." Seriously man, the song your bitch sister tossed aside as garbage and stolen by Beyonce' is now your ring tone? Talk about having principles. After rudely answering the phone, its Jade on the other line, screaming at Tori for the new video on Robarazzi. The video is about Beck and Jade in a car obviously talking about having sex in the car, but Jade insists she didn't shower and had tuna fish for lunch, when they notice there is a guy in the back seat recording them. See! I told you Beck is with Jade for sex, but really, how did they not notice somebody in the backseat of a car? Then Tori's mother comes home and asks her if she shaved under her armpits. I think this episode would be better without Tori or Tori's family. After talking about feminine hygiene, Mrs. Vega says that the cream reminds her of Tori. Mrs. Vega, you suck as a parent.
While watching a scene about a girl getting shaved, Tori tells her mother about the blog when there is a bunch of Robarazzis outside photographing her armpits. Its now over the blog, what up with Tori's armpits indeed? The next day, Tori and Jade are standing around at school when Beck and Andre' run towards them with Robbie's clothes. The girls pull out cameras and Robbie walks out with a bath towel demanding his clothes back. They take photos of him half naked and threaten to post the photos of him online unless he kills Robarazzi. So they are planning to ruin his life with revealing almost nude pictures of an underage child because he shown videos of them doing stupid things? Robbie, you should kill them all. Robbie doesn't want to give up Roberazzi, but he also doesn't want to become the poster child for NAMBLA, so he decides to stop Robarazzi, but he doesn't know what else to do for the blog. Cue to the show now being called Low-Carb-a-Robbie, with people showing recipes for low fat foods. I still am rooting Robbie to kill them all.
Cat is still hopeless addicted to the Sky Store catalogue and Tori, Andre', and Aladdin think ripping up the catalogue will break her addiction. Were we supposed to actually feel bad these guys were embarrassed by Robbie, a person they don't even value as a friend? After leaving Cat, she goes up to Sinjin and asks him if he has a girlfriend and then a phone. She then offers for him to call him sometime, and Sinjin runs off excitedly to buy a phone. Cat then decides she will use her new money spender to buy a Cat litter box that plays classical music.
Retrospective on the Episode: The
Slap Update to The Head: Dear Fellow Students: PLEASE STOP LOOKING AT MY PIMPLE!!! (Mood: Embarrassed) Tori, you tell people over the Internet to not look at an Internet video of you? Besides, what teen isn't going to do what someone tells them not to?
Dan Schneider
is Supposed to Be A Vegan: Dan should watch Low-Carb-a-Robbie as it would help him lose weight, it doesn't seem like his diet of poisonous snow is working anyway.
Why Don't You
Have A Seat Right There?: Beck: "Come on, let's just go. It'll be fun." Jade: "No..." Beck: "Why not?" Jade: "Because I didn't shower this morning and I had tuna fish for lunch..."
A grown man wrote that dialogue insinuating they are having underage sex.
Hidden in the Closet:
Cat has two homosexual uncles, they aren't really hidden as this was confirmed.
Breakin' The
Law: I don't care about the gang's blackmail attempt or Cat's Larson or extortion, this episode is guilty of making me laugh.
Jail-Bait Of the Episode
Award: Cat, she really was acting like a crack whore the entire episode.
Make it Shine?: This is Sublime. Conclusions: Robarazzi is a genuinely funny, satisfying, and well crafted episode. It shows you that without Dan Schneider, this show has potential to be a great series. From start to finish, Robarazzi is a very good episode.
Summary: The episode starts with Tori and Robbie practicing their lines for some production only featuring the main cast because there is only eight children in the school. After Tori and Beck exchange dialogue, Disco music starts playing. Jade gets up and screams, "What up with the Disco?", Sinjin says he hit the wrong thing, and Jade says that fifteen years ago his mother gave birth to the wrong thing. Jade, was that necessary? Besides, fifteen years? I though Sinjin was older than the entire cast. Anyway, they decide to take a break and the director says Robbie sucked at his performance after he asks him how he did. Hey Mr. Director, Robbie is my main dude, fuck off. Jade then pulls out her phone and says she got an e-mail from the principal saying that Sophia Michelle is coming to the school to attend their performance of the play they are doing, Uptown, Downtown. Tori then asks who is Sophia Michelle, Jade then gets frustrated and says that Tori gets the lead part when she has no clue who the lady is. Jade has a point, how can she not know the playwright of the play she is acting in. Tori even confuses her for an actress in a commercial, instead of one of the biggest playwrights in the country. How did Tori get in this school. Just then Sinjin plays disco because it wasn't funny the first time and Jade asks him to kill it, Sinjin then says you can't kill disco. He's right, you can't kill what was already dead. Kind of like Dan Schneider's entire career.
Tori is then looking for Cat, who is in her makeup class. You now have to go to school for that? Cat is putting the finish touches on the makeup job she did on this ungrateful bastard, revealing him to be turned into a cute monster instead of a terrifying monster and he storms off. Cat then asks for Tori to help her project, because if she doesn't turn anybody into a hideous monster she will fail the class, this school has a very strict pass/fail ratio, any little infraction is grounds for failure. Tori, the "nice, sweet, caring Mary Sue" would rather cram a turkey sandwich down her throat so she won't starve. Wow, thanks a lot, you selfish whore. Cat begs her to help her, but Tori won't budge because she has to memorize her lines. Hey Tori, remember the (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE??? Even if you don't practice your lines, who cares? You're opinion matter over everything else. Later, Tori and Andre' are practicing their singing, when Andre' asks her to sing the song as a old Jazz Singer. Cue a lame Louie Armstrong impression, when Cat appears to remind her that she has to help her with the makeup thing. Andre' calls Cat little red, which she gets offended, because she can't understand a simple nickname. Tori then wants to get it over with, way to be helpful you slut. Andre' decides to leave, I wish I could too.
Cat then reveals her makeup job, Tori looks the same as she usually does. No, just kidding, now she's a ugly zombie. What is the difference? Tori looks malnourished anyway. Tori then says she looks hideous, at least she admits it. The girls decide to scare Trina, who doesn't get scared, because she saw her grandmother naked, so she never gets scared anymore. After Tori poses for Cat's photographs, Trina notices that Cat has glue in her makeup supplies. In a completely original idea, it turns out to be industrial strength glue, the makeup won't come off. What kind of makeup needs glue to stick onto anybodies face is beyond me, but Tori can't get the makeup off. Cat got the makeup because of the cute grizzly bear on it. I can't say anything about how fucking moronic Cat is because I would risk being offensive to a mentally challenged person. Tori is lamenting that now she can't be in the play because she has to be beautiful, she never was. Andre' returns with pizza, but then leaves when he sees the three girls yelling at each other. Nice to see you help out your friends, asshole.
Sadly, there is no subplot to distract us from the rest of the episode, which boils down to Tori being very bitchy, and Cat and Trina being as completely unhelpful as they possibly can be. This is basically it, until Tori gets the Zombie makeup off her face. Yes, SPOILER WARNING. Cat and Trina are calling the doctor's while Tori is complaining about her itchy nose, Tori, shut the fuck up. Trina gets off the phone and tells her that she needs parents permission to get breast implants. They won't make up for your disgusting personality. Cat is being yelled at on the phone for being stupid. Tori bitches that Sophia Michelle is going to laugh at her for being ugly instead of being beautiful. I would like to mention that their is an answer to this whole problem. Where the fuck is the understudies? Seriously, you have a play with no understudies? What kind of school is this? Cat then gets off the phone and tells then that they have a solution, a glue remover that is not sold in stores, instead they have to pick it up at Grizzly Industries, all the way in Bakersfield. Its two hours away, but instead of driving off right now, they decide to go tomorrow. Cat says Trina and her can pick up the glue before her play, after school, instead of doing what every teen has done in high school and cut class. Would they miss anything? All they learn is how to become ego maniacal bastards and how to apply makeup, oh, and throw balls in their faces. Then the bell rings, Tori answers it and scares the girl scouts away. Who cares?
Next day, all the students are rehearsing, and instead of the obvious Zombie in the room, the director says that Robbie is terrible. Seriously man, go fuck yourself. He then says that Tori is still hideous. Cue Cat and Trina driving to Bakersfield, Trina is applying makeup instead of watching the road, and is a little mouthy to Cat. The phone rings, and Tori bitches at them if they found the solvent. The girls tell Tori they aren't at the factory yet. Tori says the play starts in two hours, they agreed to go after school. The play starts in two hours and it takes them two hours to drive there and I assume two more hours to drive back. Nobody did a simple schedule check? What a bunch of idiots. Hey guys, I think you should go to a real school instead of Hollywood Arts, that way we won't have a new generation of Bimbos and Meatheads.
Remember what I said about this episode just being about Tori bitching as the other girls being as unhelpful as possible? Well, the rest of the episode is just Tori threatening them, and Trina not paying attention to the road, that's it. But I still got nine fucking minutes left of this episode, so I got to suffer through the rest of this mess. The play begins, Sophia Michelle entered the studio, and sits down next to Rex, why does Rex have a seat? Tori still has the makeup on, there is still no understudy, and Jade can't take over for Tori because no one can take over her part. Jade tells the director that he shouldn't wear scarves inside. She has a point. Tori then calls the girls who tell her they are on there way but they are still taking forever because they stopped for a "Creamy-Delicious Emergency". They stopped for ice-cream. Is everyone in this episode braindead? They also get pulled over by the cops. Lovely.
The play must go on, so Tori is still in her makeup, and the girls are now rapping in the car. Cat can't say Booty, because its dirty, but she can take balls in the face. Back to the play, Robbie's character is asking to marry Zombori, who punches him. Then she sings with Beck, who is still as useless as ever before, because he sings one line. Why is he in this school? After singing a song, the girls finally show up with the solvent. Tori motions for Andre' to drag out the song, cue everyone else improvising perfectly to the prolonged song, as if they all knew if there was a situation at hand. The girls then all frantically get the makeup off her face, Tori is still bitching that they have to hurry or she will miss the song. Still, no fucking understudy? In a completely cliched way, Tori magically appears to sing her part with no makeup on, and they end the play with everything back to normal again.
The episode looks like it will fini....no, Sophia then says that she liked the play but didn't remember when she wrote Tori's character as an ugly beast. The other guys all look befuddled and decide that telling her the truth about the makeup malfunction is the worst thing to do, but Sophia says that she liked their interpretation of the play as she thinks that the Zombie makeup was a commentary about how beauty is on the inside and the two guys loving an ugly girl shows that they looked through her condition and saw a beautiful girl., the entire play was all about Substance over Beauty. I think I should clarify things; EVERYONE in California is a moron. Robbie asks her what she thought of him and she walks off, nobody respects Robbie, I hate you Dan Schneider. Then Sinjin plays disco music and they all disco dance. What an ending! Annoying
Song Alert: Two! Finally Falling and Five Fingaz to the Face.
Great
Moments in Bad Song Writing: Finally Falling is actually a well written song, however, Five Fingaz has amazing lyrics like this: Now freeze...freeze...freeze Now go. Drop it fast and move it real slow. HO! What?!
The
Slap Update to The Head: Never send Trina and Cat to do ANYTHING!!! (Mood: Desperate) Tori, if you sent competent people, then we wouldn't have had an episode.
Bad Acting
in Acting School Alert: Daniella Monet (Trina) can't act for shit.
Dan Schneider
is Supposed to Be A Vegan: Ice Cream, Pizza, Girl Scout Cookies. Yes sir, Danny Boy is truly going to be healthy with dairy, fat, and sugar overloads.
Why Don't You
Have A Seat Right There?: Tori had white glue like material on her face. That probably wasn't glue. Dan Schneider is Fo' Rizzle Wit Da
Kizzos': Disco. Continuity
Snub: (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! seemed to not teach anybody about artistic integrity. Breakin' The Law: Trina and Cat get pulled over by a cop? Excuse me, this is insubordination. It is forbidden to arrest anybody in the Schneiderverse. Dan Schneider broke his own rule!
Jail-Bait Of the Episode
Award: Tori. Make it Shine?: Zombies Love to Whine.
Conclusions: Even though its a shallow and at times, really stupid, it's really not that bad, a surprisingly entertaining, albeit average, episode.
Summary: Based on the title of this episode it seems that Dan Schneider might have started understanding that any television show, even children's sitcoms, need to have a plot of some sort. I guess I can't be that pissed off at it for actually attempting to have some continuity.
Whatever, let's get on with the review, shall we?
Beck has been a little too friendly with local billionaire daughter, Alyssa Vaughn. Beck is a total fucking douche bag. Despite the fact that there are photographs everywhere over the Internet, and Beck is too friendly with her, and he is in a perfectly healthy relationship with a girl who is not in anyway jealous, he claims that they are just friends. Tori is dumb enough to believe him. Beck can't keep his mouth off of any girl in his path, he already kissed Tori and will kiss Cat and Trina in a later episode, and he is supposed to be just friends with this other chick? Pretty soon, Jade finds out what the hell is going on and gets annoyed at Beck for hanging out with other girls who are prettier than her. Jade really should see a psychiatrist. She believes she is so ugly that any other girl is prettier than her, therefore she believes Beck would leave her at the sight of any other girl she deems a threat. If Beck was a good human being, instead of a evil, corrupt, bastard, he would leave her, and pay for her therapy.
Jade demands that Beck no longer talk to Alyssa and he should never text her again. Oh, they are really just friends. That's why friends always drive their pals in a Lamborghini. Of course Tori is dragged into this argument, because we need to actually "drive" the plot somewhere. Tori then gets involved in a cliche argument where she agrees to disagree with each other until Jade tells Beck they are done as a couple. I'm glad Jade is learning to stand up for herself. Beck then decides to become even more disgusting than Trina by continuing to spend time with Alyssa. This guy should be beaten to death for being such a fucktard. I mean really, the guy loved Jade? Really? He shows no concern for her at all. This doesn't even make Jade realize that they were never a true couple and Beck, clearly, doesn't have any feelings for her at all, because she gets jealous of Alyssa and Beck being more than simply friends. Jade then rushes into Tori's house crying because she wants Beck back.
Folks, I think its time to talk about the subplot, because all this garbage between an emotionally damaged girl and a alpha douche with a stupid There's Something About Mary-esque hairstyle is seriously boring the hell out of me. Anyway, Trina decides to do a one-woman show, titled Trina! (give me a break), and decides to use Robbie, the guy she doesn't love, as a reviewer. Robbie really doesn't have to even bother watching a preview of her show to already deduce it sucks ass. However, he is forced to write a good review of the performance, because the other students don't deserve to watch actual talented thespians. Robbie's better sense of judgement gets the best of him over his raging hormones to get into Trina's panties so he doesn't post the review. Trina gets angry and forces him to show it anyway. Robbie asks Andre' what should he do, Andre' suggests that he claim her performance as a comedy. And then forces Robbie to pay him twenty dollars. Andre' is now a horrible character too. After Robbie rewrites his review as a comedy, and I mean really, would anybody take her play serious? Trina gets annoyed, and breaks into Robbie's history class, oh they do have real academic classes! I thought this was a school for children's psychiatric evaluation! Trina throws his desk and Rex across the classroom to assault a student. Does Trina even go to this school or does she just trespass and run around acting like she has any talent in hopes of being cast in some movie? Anyway, she then performs her play, I must not lie, that song she sings about Chicago is rather entertaining. The audience loves her performance, the end. Really, I am still pissed off at Trina for her horrible personality.
Back to Jade and Tori, Jade compares their relationship to a broken kite, seriously, Tori, call the fucking mental hospital on her. Jade begs Tori to talk to Beck because that would mean that she would appreciate that gesture and try like her as a friend. Remember in episode three where it seemed that they made up and decided to get along? Well, forget it again because Jade is still nasty to Tori. Maybe I am too harsh on her, maybe she just doesn't know how to have friends, maybe she is afraid of being hurt so she puts up a mean persona to push away anybody before they break her heart. Wow, I...I must admit, Dan Schneider actually made me feel empathy for a character. Tori then agrees to talk to Beck, and tries to convince them to get back together. She meets up with him at his Trailer house, oh, that explains why he's a scumbag, he's trailer trash! Beck insists its an RV, its a fucking trailer shitbrain. He lives here because he doesn't want to live by his parents rules. What a douche bag. Tori tells him to take Jade back, but Beck says that Jade never did anything nice for him. Then why the fuck did you stay with her, you stupid asshole? Tori says that's bullshit because she had to do at least something, even if Jade makes Beck have his way with her because he can't find a real girlfriend, so he says that Jade got him a can of lemonade for his birthday. I think Beck deserves that because he is the worst kind of scum to walk the planet. The kind who hunt down unstable girls and then lies to them about actually liking them, while sucking them dry of any self-esteem they have because they believe they found true love.
Tori then goes back to Jade and says you really can't give boyfriends lemonade for their birthday, that creepy Sinjin appears and hits on Jade, who starts counting so he starts running away. Hey look Jade, this guy actually likes you, don't be a prude. When Jade realizes that Beck is not going to take her back she starts crying and drags Tori in the Janitor's closet, she says why wouldn't Jade take her back, she's hot and cool. Tori actually says a smart thing, that's not the only reason anybody should like each other. Jade doesn't care about any emotional bond, or actually having shit in common with any potential love interest, she just wants Beck back to boost her crushed self-esteem. Tori tells her to show that she loves Beck. Tori, you are enforcing a destructive relationship on the grounds of absolutely nothing. Am I the only one who noticed that these children are horrible? They are destroying Jade's fragile mind with lies and deceit, and Jade is supposed to be the mean one? Jade decides to get Beck his favorite Dog, a Rottweiler, or as she mispronounces for comedic effect, Rottenheimer. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Oh stop it Schneider, my sides are killing me! Then, a man in a snuggie tells them to just get him a dog. What?
The girls bring the dog to Beck's trailer and they figure that with a dangerous Dog, Jade and Tori hope that the Dog won't rip his throat out and eat his face, but instead lick his hand and fetch his slippers. Why not bring a fucking grizzly bear to his house instead? As nobody expected anything different, the Dog is set loose in his trailer and starts to maul and devour Beck. Oh wait, it's not Beck, it's his father being killed in his own home by a crazy attack dog. You know, for children! After saving Beck's father, who is promptly carried off to a hospital, Jade apologizes and blames Tori for everything. I take back what I said about Jade, she is also a cunt. She didn't think the dog would go crazy and try to attack his father. What a moron. Jade then says that she doesn't want Beck to stop loving her. When did he start? Beck then says he never stopped loving her, fucking liar....They kiss and Tori is left all alone.
Retrospective on the Episode:
Annoying Song Alert: Chicago. Which I actually will confess was not a bad song. Great Moments in Bad Song Writing: Surprisingly, the song is not annoying, and its also well written. Here's the lyrics so you can sing along, as the song is heavily infectious and its already scarred itself into my subconscious: Chicago! Chicago! It's a city that's exciting! It's a city that's inviting, It's a city for a woman just like me! There's a lake they call Lake Michigan! I think I'm really fitting in! This city is my perfect cup of Tea! Chicago! Chicago!
The Slap Update to The Head: On a mission... but how did I get to be the LOVE DOCTOR?!? (Mood: Hopeful) Tori, stop being a helpless bitch.
Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: Chicago! Chicago!
Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: When Robbie doesn't publish his review of Trina's play, she dumps his head into his Cream of Mushroom Soup. That's a rather unhealthy choice of food as its loaded with salt, milk, cream, and butter. So it must be good for a Vegan to eat, no wonder most vegans are lard buckets. Oh, and Vegans aren't supposed to eat dairy.
Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: A paramedic asks Beck if he is he's old enough when Chris Hanson appears and...okay, he doesn't really appear.
Dan Schneider is Fo' Rizzle Wit Da Kizzos': See kids, if you want your boyfriend back, make sure to bring a vicious attack dog to his house to maul his father. That will get him back in love with you in no time!
Continuity Snub: I though Beck didn't drink water from Mountain Streams? That's probably why the guy is enjoying a bottle of Crystal Waters. Breakin' The Law: I wonder who will be charged with assault, attempted murder, mauling, attempted manslaughter, and attack with a vicious animal? Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Nobody, the girls wore respectable clothing and Cat was absent from this episode. She probably was tied up at the moment.
Make it Shine?: For Beck, she pines. Conclusions: This episode starts off bland, but then gets decent, builds up, and then after you think that the episode will have a satisfying conclusion and the characters will evolve and develop, Dan Schneider pulls a typical Schneiderism and the last five or so minutes are among the worst in a Victorious episode I have seen. The most disappointing episode so far.
Summary: The episode starts with Tori trying to find the perfect gift for her sister's birthday. But since Trina is a cunt, she declares her birthday be extended to the whole week. I really love Mr. and Mrs. Vega, they are the one of the worst parents of all time. They spoil their idiot daughters rotten and allow them to have entire week celebrations for their birthday and play with federal property. Tori asks her friends what she get for Trina's Hanukkah-esque birthday, Andre says Cheese, Robbie says Lotion, nothing funny yet, Cat tells a story and Tori rudely cuts her off, and Jade says "Talent." That was actually funny. Sinjin declares she get a bobble head that looks like him. Tori then buys Trina these ridiculous slutty prosta-boots. In a turn of cliched events, Trina comes through the doorway with the same boots she bought. She proudly shows them off and claims she bought them on sale. Why would you buy your own birthday present? Doesn't that defeat the entire purpose of having people buy you gifts for an entire week?
Tori is rightfully annoyed and Andre' happens to suggest that Tori perform a song for her sister. That's not a bad idea, too bad you have to perform that song for the entire week. Trina is a spoiled bitch. Tori and Andre' write the song, which really involves Andre' doing all the work while Tori sits there with her ridiculous boots on, the song they eventually create is called You're the Reason. Andre' says it's no chizz, what the hell is a chizz? Andre' says its a German Sausage, I think its the white liquid that comes out of the "German Sausage". Anyway, Tori performs the song for Trina, Tori went out of her way to perform this song, because there is a fucking band and background singers and dancers, also stage lights and well rehearsed choreography. Jesus Crackers, you went out of your way, huh Tori? No twenty dollar minimum for you? Anyway, after giving Trina one of the best birthday presents ever, Trina then has the balls to ask where is her real present. Trina is a total fucking cunt, Tori should have baked her a cake made entirely out of dog shit and mud instead.
To make matters even worse Tori asks her why she doesn't think that the entire performance was not her gift. Trina says that because she didn't spend any money on the song, then its not a present. Okay, so many things wrong here. First of all, how did Tori get everybody to perform for free? Second, Trina is a cunt. Third, I fail to see how a song that shows Trina how much she means to her sister is not a present. Fourth, has Trina ever heard of, its the thought that counts? Fifth, enough of this horrible display of bitchiness, lets go on to the subplot, shall we?
Robbie is helping his grandmother learn how to use the Internet. He starts to get annoyed with her constantly calling him, so he decides to trick someone else into sharing his pain and suffering. Damn, are all the kids in California assholes? Look Robbie, deal with it, the lady just wants help and is not Tech savvy, I'm so sorry that she is stealing your precious time of doing nothing and talking to puppets, it must cut into your busy life. Who is the person he bothers to help him do a simple task? Beck? No way, Beck is useless. He enlists Cat, because she is obviously the best choice for technology. The girl gets easily offended from stupid things and doesn't even know her left knee from her right elbow and you ask for her help? Anyway, Cat is instantly hated by Grandmother Shapiro, who happens to be Renee Taylor, who is probably best known as Sylvia Fine from the Nanny. I guess she has fallen on hard times. Mamaw Shapiro hates Cat's hair color and blames it on Cat possibly hating her mother. You would hate your mother too if she drank during pregnancy.
Mamaw also shows Robbie a girl named Brenda, who she thinks would be better suited for Robbie. Robbie is not interested. Robbie, in your pathetic condition, take what you can get. After helping Mamaw with the Internet, Robbie notices that it was a mistake as the next day she happens to be over a video chat while Robbie is doing a report about Vaudeville. She points out that Robbie actually brings his fucking puppet, Rex, to school. I love Mamaw. Robbie and Cat go back to Mamaw's apartment to help her again and she is relentless to Cat, mentioning that she has to suffer from psychological problems if she dies her hair. Seeing how that is completely true with Cat and Jades' cases of being fucked up bitches with colored hair, I think Mamaw should be a permanent character on the show. After sitting through Mamaw's insults against Cat, Robbie shows that nobody messes with his girl and cuts his grandmother's Internet cord. He then points out that the computer company cancelled the Internet and he doesn't have to help his Grandmother anymore. Robbie and Cat hold hands and run out of the apartment. I love this subplot.
Okay, we have to finish the real subplot. I refuse to acknowledge that the whole Birthweek song is the main plot since it was nowhere near as well written, interesting, or funny as the subplot. And this plot is shamefully shorter than the subplot. After Tori kicks everyone out of the house, while it's raining, at least she was kind enough to give all the guests one umbrella, and talks to Trina personally, she tells her that this was her present, and she worked hard on it, but Trina is such a horrible human being she disregarded the entire situation and insists that Tori failed to give her a real present. Goddammit do I hate Trina. Congratulations Schneider, you managed to make a worse character than Megan Parker and Sam Puckett combined! Tori then does a stupid thing and gives her the flash drive that contains the song. Why? She is so ungrateful that giving her anything, even Tori's own feces in a box, would be too generous.
The next day, Jade appears and makes Tori drink coffee she found in the garbage. Why? Tori tells her that her gift was a failure and then Trina appears and says she sold the song to her friends uncle and bought a hat with the money, which she says is Tori's real birthday present. Trina should be hit by a car before the end of this episode. She got money from the uncle for the song, because he owns a record label and decided to let Trina record the song, as she said she was the real singer of the song. Correction, Trina MUST be repeatedly run over by a car before the end of the episode. Tori is so pissed off at the disgusting depths her sister sank to and instead of kicking her straight in the pussy, she gives her the garbage coffee. That is not punishment. Tori should have fucked her boyfriend and had his child, that would have been a more legitimate punishment. Then Trina gets run over by a car, repeatedly. Then Trina's corpse gets struck by lightning. Then she shits over her dead corpse.
In a shocking twist, Dan Schneider's inability to write any build-up to any episode he makes actually is a saving grace, as Trina is instantly at the recording studio. Thank God, this horrible episode is almost over! Trina can't sing the song right because she sucks. I swear I was actually praying that Trina got killed by a freak accident involving the microphone. But alas, no, she is finally called out for lying about being the real singer, and decides to call Tori to sing the song. In a completely stupid turn of events, Tori actually decides to sing the song. Why? Trina is a fucking whore, and you actually are helping her? Does Tori think that she is going to come off as the better sister by doing this nice deed for her? The Vega family sucks ass. To end this disgusting episode, the producer gets a call, mid-song, and stops Tori to tell her that the friend of the producer played the song for Beyonce, who loved it, and wants to record it. Beyonce, go fuck yourself. The producers run off and leave Tori, Trina, and Andre' in the studio, with the lights off. Seriously? This is how you end an episode?
Retrospective on the Episode:
Annoying Song Alert: You're the Reason. Great Moments in Bad Song Writing: "You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly." Humans don't fly, shithead.
The Slap Update to The Head:Still MAD at Trina. U reading this Trina? Hope so! (Mood: Irked) Tori, if Trina didn't care about the really nice thing you did for her, do you expect her to read your little status update?
Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: "Then it's not a Present."
I made a doll with the face of Trina, The Queen of Bitches, stapled on it and punched it repeatedly.
Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: Garbage Coffee? Dan, eating out of the garbage is a serious sign you need help for your eating disorder.
Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: The entire performance for Trina's birthday was a slut fest. From Tori's dress that was cut up to her naval, to the erotic backup dancers, to Tori giving her sister a lap dance. Me thinks that you should never shake hands with Dan Schneider if you ever meet him in public.
Dan Schneider is Fo' Rizzle Wit Da Kizzos':Children are more than eager to help their grandmothers learn how to use the Internet. Chizz? Are you trying to make children say Jizz without getting in trouble? Dan Schneider you are one sick fuck!
Continuity Snub: Remember when I said in the last post about Jade and Tori learning to get along? Well, fuck it, because Jade gave Tori garbage coffee, way to stay consistent with your work Schneider. Breakin' The Law: The song belongs to Tori and Andre', Beyonce steals it and doesn't give credit to the writer. Knowing that Tori won't do anything because committing felonies is perfectly legal in the Schneiderverse, Beyonce will make millions off of the song. Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Surprisingly not Cat, the biggest Jailbait of this episode is, no question, Tori.
Make it Shine?: Brake Trina's Spine.
Conclusions: If you ignore the horrendous main plot, this is a good episode. Sadly, the best part of the episode is considered the subplot and we get one of the worst episodes in the series.
Summary: Tori meets up with Cat and Andre' and shows them her French Horn, she mentions that she likes French things. So she decides to practice the hardest instrument to play in the world. That makes as much logical sense as a teenager with bottle nipples on his locker. Andre' tells Tori to "Play some funky music white girl." Tori responds with a rather insulted tone, "I'm half Latina." Not with that ass you aren't. "Well then, hit it muchacha." Amazing! not even 3 minutes into the episode and it already exhausted its racist jokes. Pat yourself on the back Dan Schnei...oh? He didn't write this episode? Then give yourself a pat on the back George Doty IV. Not surprisingly, Tori can't play the instrument and complains its broken. No you suck at playing the French Horn. Andre' takes it and does a ridiculously fake jam session with the instrument. Nobody researched how to play the French Horn?
The episode finally remembers that it has a plot so Tori and friends go to Theatre rehearsal class when Tori sees a guy beating the shit out of Beck. I enjoyed this sequence. Tori, being the melodramatic idiot she is, jumps on the back of the bully in a lame attempt to stop him from kicking Beck's ass. The teacher of this class intervenes, and tells Tori that the attacker was a stunt actor and this was a stage fighting scene. Tori then asks what's a stunt actor, its in the name idiot. Tori then decides to join the class. After the teacher shows an example of how to throw a fake punch to the class by pretending to punch, who else, Cat in the face. Here's a thought, if Trina is the in-universe hated character, then why not do all this abuse to Trina and not to Cat? Cat is a harmless moron, abusing mental patients is not funny. The teacher then assigns the students into pairs for a class project. Tori and Jade are paired up for this project. Cue about 4 minutes of Tori bitching about how Jade is going to kill her on the day of their scene.
Tori is nervous that Jade will try to punch her or put her in the hospital. But Jade loves you Tori! Tori even asks her friends why exactly does Jade hate her so much. I don't know why Tori, maybe it has something to do with the fact you kissed her boyfriend, rubbed him sexually, and tried to save him from a Stunt Actor. But I'd actually have to agree with Andre's pretty funny quip, "Maybe she heard you play the French Horn?" On the day of Tori's scene, Tori plays an elderly woman, I guess because of Tori's paranoia, she had no time to actually make herself look like an old lady. She is wearing the worst excuse for a wig I ever seen, she doesn't even have a old lady costume on or anything. How exactly does the teachers of this school pass students? Jade is dressed as a mugger, a stereotypical mugger, like those idiots that dress up as criminals in the middle of the street to avoid any sure trouble. Mugger Jade tries to steal Elderly Tori's watch but Tori smacks her in the face with her cane. Jade collapses on the floor as she was hurt for real! Any moron and their pet monkey can tell Jade was clearly faking an injury. But no, everyone thinks Tori purposely hurt Jade. Jade is a horrible person right? So everyone believes her? What the hell happened to this school?
Everyone acts shocked and Tori runs to get Jade a chair, she just "hurt" her face you dolt, she can still walk. In a cliched turn of events the chair is a stunt chair, so it breaks apart. Jade does a pathetic "I'm hurt!" routine which should obviously tell everyone that she is bullshitting the entire injury. Is this Tori's fault? Why yes it is, Tori is sent to the Guidance Councilor, Lane, and he tells her that even though it was an accident, she is still being punished. Why? She said it was an accident, besides, why not simply see Jade's face and see that she put make-up over her eye to pretend she was injured. Oh, wait, I forgot. (Spoiler Alert.) Tori is punished, so she has to clean up the theatre on Friday after a staged food fight, and she will have a guard named Derek watch her so she doesn't have a violent outburst. A staged food fight? Its okay if the school damages school property and wastes food, but an accident is punished immediately without a fair hearing of alibis' from students? This school is fucking insane! Then again, what do I expect from a school that allows the teachers to throw their balls at the students faces?
Subplot Time: Robbie and Trina are auditioning for a World War II play, seriously? They kiss because war always has time for romance and Robbie develops feelings for Trina. Poor guy, he is so sexually stunted he needs a release. Maybe if he got his hand out of that puppet and practiced other one handed hobbies....Anyway, Robbie assumes Trina is in love with him. It was called acting, this students don't know what the hell acting is. Robbie decides to stalk Trina and convince him to go out with her, even asking her to convert to Judaism. This is not the personality of a sane person, maybe he should hook up with Jade since they are both mentally insane. After several unfunny attempts to get in Trina's pants, Trina gets pissed off at Robbie and spills milk on him and storms off. Cat appears and gets annoyed that Robbie believes he is in love with Trina. She tells him that it was just acting and Trina doesn't love him at all. When a mentally deficient girl starts acting logically to you, that should be a sign you are really fucked in the head. Cat then demonstrates to Robbie, and the rest of the Cabbie shippers in the world, a staged kiss to prove she doesn't have feelings for him even if they kiss. Then she says "see?" and walks off, as Robbie is now in love with her. You cock tease! I was even infatuated with that kiss, there was nothing staged about that kiss, you redheaded she-devil bitch! You're messing with the mind of a schizophrenic, self-hating Jew with a bad case of dissociative identity disorder and serious hormonal imbalance. Maybe Cat does deserve the torment she gets?
Back to the main plot, Jade is sporting a black eye, she managed to get away with it, she's being a bitch to her "boyfriend" Beck, who offers to get Jade coffee, the magic word being Lotion, Schneider loves that word. It was never funny the first time you had some schmo say that word in a joke. Jade then gets up and bumps into a girl who spills her water over her face. The makeup starts to run and Jade runs off, conveniently bumps into Andre'. See what I mean about him being there for plot convenience? Andre' notices what a trained, certified Nurse could not, Jade's black eye was a fraud. Is this a school? I mean for the love of Seinfeld, is this a madhouse or an actual school? How can anyone not notice a teenage girl's makeup? Jade then reveals that she wanted to make Tori get in trouble, so she faked the injury and tells Andre' not to tell Tori the truth. Andre' not being an idiot, runs off to tell Tori the truth. Really, I didn't see that coming.
Tori is scraping Macaroni and Cheese off the walls and Jade comes in. Tori tells her she knows the truth, and Jade is surprised that Tori didn't snitch on her. Maybe if Lane didn't want to hear Tori's side of the story, what makes you think they would believe the entire cover up? Tori says she didn't snitch because she doesn't want to fight with her. Please remember this scen, as it shows actual characterization, this is very important in later episodes. Jade is about to leave when she decides to help Tori clean the theatre. They dance to some stupid song, and even Derek the guard pitches in his help. Tori and Jade then ditch the theatre and leave Derek to clean up the mess himself. They think he is too stupid to notice that he is the only one cleaning up eventually?
Retrospective on the Episode: The Slap Update to The Head: OMG-I just got called into the GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE. Whyyyy?! (Mood: Frustrated) Because Hollywood Arts is a unjust school of mental rejects and morons, not only that, you hit a girl in the face with a stick!
Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: Jade's fake injury. Not the makeup injury, as she pulled it off, the entire "I'm hurt!" scene. Andre' playing the French Horn is so bad that it shows nobody knows what a French Horn is.
Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: A food fight in the school, obviously the after effects of Dan Schneider's feeding frenzy when he had writer's block.
Continuity Snub: Jade and Tori seem to now get along better, please do your best to remember this as it will make sense in later episodes. Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Cat, again... I think Schneider has a crush on somebody. Make it Shine?: Fake a Shiner
Conclusions: Even though the episode is rather boring at times and manages to be predictable, it's not as bad as the first two episodes.
Summary: At school, Trina, who didn't die from severe allergic reaction, is making Tori her bitch by forcing her to carry her stuff at school. Trina is a horrible person. She is excited to see the roster for the plays of the new semester. Already a new semester in the second episode? Instantly Andre' shows up and suggests Tori try out for the lead role in Moonlight Magic, a play they both wrote together. Why would she have to audition for the lead role in a play that she created? Trina complains that nobody respects her as an actress, as she was not chosen for anything. I can't imagine why.
Because Dan Schneider needs to kill more time for the episode length, we then jump to a scene where Andre', Beck, and Robbie tell Tori she has to design her plain boring locker, as its a mandaTori tradition in Hollywood Arts. Tori decides to steal her friends ideas for her locker design because she has no clue what to make her locker into. I thought she was creative, but that's Tori for you. We then go to a scene where Robbie reveals that, as a grown young man, he has a locker covered with bottle nipples. This boy is seriously insane. It gets even more sad when he says that the nipples remind him of happier times, his childhood. I really do pity this kid, he is clearly emotionally destroyed. Andre' reveals his locker has a Keyboard on it, he starts playing a tune that emulates the keyboard scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, a good work of film, then Sinjin, some creepy looking guy who looks like a chewtoy, shows Tori his locker. It has chewed food glued to it, yes, its so funny Dan Schneider.
In acting class, (because what else would be in high school, Science, Math, History, English classes?), Mr. Sikowitz throws a ball in Cat's face and Dan Schneider expects us to laugh because he thinks child abuse is supposed to be funny. Cat says her face hurts, because she just got hit in the face with a fucking ball, and Mr. Sikfuk says his actions were to demonstrate that a good actor should be able to face any distractions and still be focused on the scene at hand. He also should mention good actors don't shout their lines and throw their balls at their underage student's faces. When the bell rings for their second class, lunch, possibly at 9:15 in the morning, Mr. Sikowitz throws his ball in the direction of Tori. This guy needs to be arrested ASAP. Mr. Sikowitz tells Tori she can't be allowed to act in any play, especially Moonlight Magic because she needs to pass the Bird Scene, which is said so dramatically by every character that now it will be preceded with a (inhale), BEFORE BEING SHOUTED!!! Tori asks him what the hell is this important information he withheld from her and he says its a dialogue which all students must pass in order to try out for any future plays. I wonder if (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! will involve balls in people's faces?
Tori spends her time memorizing her lines:
It was 1934 when my husband left me, alone. Life on the prairie was a dreary existence; no telephone, no radio. Only a large, majestic bird with whom I shared my feelings. One day when I was feeling alone I said to him, "Oh, bird. You can fly. You can soar miles from this lonely place, yet you stay... Why?" And apparently, my question rang true, but that afternoon...the bird left. And so went my spirit.
Oh yeah, I read Grapes of Wraith, thanks Danny Boy for reminding me of a better written story! On the day of Tori's rendition of (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! Tori does the scene and afterwards asks Mr. Sikowitz how she did, he says she failed. I guess because Dan Schneider couldn't let a Mary Sue get away with doing a perfect job so quick, maybe he is learning how to write a story better? Tori asks him why she failed it and he says he can't tell her, because constructive criticism is strictly forbidden at a school of acting. He says (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! has a secret to passing it and she has to figure it out on her own. Tori decides to ask her friends and they swore an oath to not reveal the secret of the (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! They also see her new locker, a marker board with the word's Tori's Locker on it. Wow, the creativity is blinding me. Her friends think its a stupid idea, and Jade writes Stupid in between the words on the board.
After attempting the scene again, she fails it again, I take it back, Dan Schneider can't write a simple story to save his ass. This is when Tori portrays sick behavior, deciding to torment her friends so find out what is the secret of (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! This involves Tori giving candy to Cat, which turns out to be spicy hot candy, and then handcuffs Cat to the stair banister refusing to free her or give her water, until she reveals the secret. I think a better question than, why the hell is there no security at this madhouse of a school, is where did she get the handcuffs from? Oh wait, her father is a policeman. Yeah, that makes sense, a cop who allows his daughter to play with federal property. I guess he also lets her borrow his gun to keep her safe from teachers who attack students with his balls. Cat's mouth is burning red hot and demands water, Tori realizing she shouldn't get ideas from watching Saw anymore, decides to let her go immediately, and leaves her handcuffed. Good idea, leave the evidence right there! She rummages through her locker as Beck shows up and asks her about her locker. She now has a pink stripe on it. I think she should get a pink slip. I think Dan Schneider also needs one too. Beck says her locker idea is lame, and she asks him about his locker. Beck's locker is transparent because, I kid you not, he has "nothing to hide." Beck is a fucking liar, he is hiding his true feelings about his "girlfriend". He does not like her at all and is only with her because he wants to suck her dry of whatever attention she gives him to boost his horribly inflated ego. He is such a phony, a better locker would have been with the words "Summer's Eve" printed on it. Of course, she asks him about (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! and he refuses to tell her anything. What a douche.
She then goes up to Robbie and flirts with him in a pathetic attempt to get the secret of (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! Tori is a horrible person, she is about to whore herself out to get a stupid secret to some dumb ass play she can't get right? Why not simply say to yourself, "What the fuck am I doing? I don't need acting school to become an actor." Robbie's hormones go insane, but surprisingly, (not really, we still have eight minutes to kill) doesn't tell Tori the secret, he just runs off to the bathroom. Tori is lost, she can't figure out what to do. Is there only seven students in this school? She can't just go up to the other students and ask? What about her sister? Did she ever consider asking Trina about the secret to the (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!!, she clearly passed the scene if she can audition for other plays. You know what? Fuck this, let's talk about the subplot.
Robbie and Andre' hatch a scheme to hit on girls, it involves going up to a girl they fancy and ask her out. Wait a second, no? Its not that simple? Instead, they sign up for Ballet Class, that's sure not a cliched way to pick up women, and it sure isn't stupid to think any girl would even want to talk to you after you show up to her wearing tights and slippers. In a totally original idea, all the other boys seem to have signed up for the same class to talk to women. Someone explain to me how this seems like a good idea? Andre' and Robbie decide to bail this sausage-palooza and walk off to drop the class, but the teacher says if they do that, they will fail the class. I don't think the teacher knows that that is not how dropping a class works. The boys are doomed, when out of nowhere, a girl shows up and all the boys rush over to her. You know, for kids! The end of this dead horse plot involves Robbie and Andre' dancing together and kicking each other in the balls at the end of their dance. Actually pretty funny.
Back to (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!!, Tori does the scene for a fucking third time, going out of her way to make sure she has a real bird as well as sound effects and costumes, and surprise!, she fails it. I'd like to point out that everytime Mr. Sikowitz says Tori fails the scene, Jade gives a smirk. Does that mean anything important? No, because Tori then proceeds to whine in a totally obnoxious tone that I really got sick of this episode and changed the channel. Then I remembered I have a duty here in this blog and went back to the episode on its never-ending repeats in the Nickelodeon schedule lineup. Tori says she did nothing wrong and she thinks her performance was great despite whatever any professional actor tells her. This causes her to pass the (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! Maybe because Mr. Sikowitz doesn't want Tori to do the fucking scene a fourth time.
It turns out that the whole secret to (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! was to not let anybody discourage you into believing you were wrong, and that a true artist should believe in their own choices. Mr. Sikowitz then says she did the scene wonderfully, she failed it when she asked how she did. So lets clarify this, the purpose of this scene was to make the students learn that if anybody gives you a critique, or if you ask how you did, you should ignore anything they say because all that matters is your own opinion, and if you suck you should never ask anybody for feedback and that should not let it stop them because if they believe they have the talent, even when they don't, they can achieve all their dreams? Hollywood Arts is recruiting a new batch of Prima-Donna actors.
Finally, this episode decides to end, and Tori can now act in her play, I wish we could see that play instead of anything this stupid episode had to offer, but it gets more dumb. Tori unveils her locker design, a skyline with the words Make it Shine on it, and the words....GLOW, oh mah gowd! Who gives a shit?
Retrospective on the Episode: The Slap Update to The Head: Must learn "the bird scene" ~p.s. my teacher throws balls at people :O (Mood: Thinky) This is why the blog started, Dan Schneider is one sick fuck.
Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE, not just the scene, the whole episode.
Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: Coconuts are extremely fattening and unhealthy for you.
Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: The boy's rushing to molest the lonely girl in the Ballet Class, Cat being handcuffed to a banister. The worst of them all, Sikowitz throwing his balls in students faces. Its only the second episode and some sweaty guy is enjoying writing sick perverted helpless girl jokes.
Hidden in the Closet: Andre' and Robbie's dance scene. Rex proclaiming, "Nobody knows what I got." Remember, Robbie talks through Rex, the guy wants people to see his penis.
Continuity Snub: (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! Breakin' The Law: I'm fairly sure you aren't supposed to throw your balls in a child's faces.
Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Cat, from being handcuffed, to having water poured over her, to having teacher's balls in her face. This girl can't catch a break.
Make it Shine?: Make her Whine. Conclusions: A boring episode where the plot dies after the second attempt of the scene, this episode is marginally worse than the awful pilot.
