Because Dan Schneider needs to kill more time for the episode length, we then jump to a scene where Andre', Beck, and Robbie tell Tori she has to design her plain boring locker, as its a mandaTori tradition in Hollywood Arts. Tori decides to steal her friends ideas for her locker design because she has no clue what to make her locker into. I thought she was creative, but that's Tori for you. We then go to a scene where Robbie reveals that, as a grown young man, he has a locker covered with bottle nipples. This boy is seriously insane. It gets even more sad when he says that the nipples remind him of happier times, his childhood. I really do pity this kid, he is clearly emotionally destroyed. Andre' reveals his locker has a Keyboard on it, he starts playing a tune that emulates the keyboard scene from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, a good work of film, then Sinjin, some creepy looking guy who looks like a chewtoy, shows Tori his locker. It has chewed food glued to it, yes, its so funny Dan Schneider.
In acting class, (because what else would be in high school, Science, Math, History, English classes?), Mr. Sikowitz throws a ball in Cat's face and Dan Schneider expects us to laugh because he thinks child abuse is supposed to be funny. Cat says her face hurts, because she just got hit in the face with a fucking ball, and Mr. Sikfuk says his actions were to demonstrate that a good actor should be able to face any distractions and still be focused on the scene at hand. He also should mention good actors don't shout their lines and throw their balls at their underage student's faces. When the bell rings for their second class, lunch, possibly at 9:15 in the morning, Mr. Sikowitz throws his ball in the direction of Tori. This guy needs to be arrested ASAP. Mr. Sikowitz tells Tori she can't be allowed to act in any play, especially Moonlight Magic because she needs to pass the Bird Scene, which is said so dramatically by every character that now it will be preceded with a (inhale), BEFORE BEING SHOUTED!!! Tori asks him what the hell is this important information he withheld from her and he says its a dialogue which all students must pass in order to try out for any future plays. I wonder if (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! will involve balls in people's faces?
Tori spends her time memorizing her lines:
It was 1934 when my husband left me, alone.
Life on the prairie was a dreary existence; no telephone, no radio.
Only a large, majestic bird with whom I shared my feelings.
One day when I was feeling alone I said to him,
"Oh, bird. You can fly. You can soar miles from this lonely place, yet you stay... Why?"
And apparently, my question rang true, but that afternoon...the bird left.
And so went my spirit.
Oh yeah, I read Grapes of Wraith, thanks Danny Boy for reminding me of a better written story! On the day of Tori's rendition of (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! Tori does the scene and afterwards asks Mr. Sikowitz how she did, he says she failed. I guess because Dan Schneider couldn't let a Mary Sue get away with doing a perfect job so quick, maybe he is learning how to write a story better? Tori asks him why she failed it and he says he can't tell her, because constructive criticism is strictly forbidden at a school of acting. He says (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! has a secret to passing it and she has to figure it out on her own. Tori decides to ask her friends and they swore an oath to not reveal the secret of the (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! They also see her new locker, a marker board with the word's Tori's Locker on it. Wow, the creativity is blinding me. Her friends think its a stupid idea, and Jade writes Stupid in between the words on the board.
After attempting the scene again, she fails it again, I take it back, Dan Schneider can't write a simple story to save his ass. This is when Tori portrays sick behavior, deciding to torment her friends so find out what is the secret of (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! This involves Tori giving candy to Cat, which turns out to be spicy hot candy, and then handcuffs Cat to the stair banister refusing to free her or give her water, until she reveals the secret. I think a better question than, why the hell is there no security at this madhouse of a school, is where did she get the handcuffs from? Oh wait, her father is a policeman. Yeah, that makes sense, a cop who allows his daughter to play with federal property. I guess he also lets her borrow his gun to keep her safe from teachers who attack students with his balls. Cat's mouth is burning red hot and demands water, Tori realizing she shouldn't get ideas from watching Saw anymore, decides to let her go immediately, and leaves her handcuffed. Good idea, leave the evidence right there! She rummages through her locker as Beck shows up and asks her about her locker. She now has a pink stripe on it. I think she should get a pink slip. I think Dan Schneider also needs one too. Beck says her locker idea is lame, and she asks him about his locker. Beck's locker is transparent because, I kid you not, he has "nothing to hide." Beck is a fucking liar, he is hiding his true feelings about his "girlfriend". He does not like her at all and is only with her because he wants to suck her dry of whatever attention she gives him to boost his horribly inflated ego. He is such a phony, a better locker would have been with the words "Summer's Eve" printed on it. Of course, she asks him about (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! and he refuses to tell her anything. What a douche.
She then goes up to Robbie and flirts with him in a pathetic attempt to get the secret of (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! Tori is a horrible person, she is about to whore herself out to get a stupid secret to some dumb ass play she can't get right? Why not simply say to yourself, "What the fuck am I doing? I don't need acting school to become an actor."
Robbie's hormones go insane, but surprisingly, (not really, we still have eight minutes to kill) doesn't tell Tori the secret, he just runs off to the bathroom. Tori is lost, she can't figure out what to do. Is there only seven students in this school? She can't just go up to the other students and ask? What about her sister? Did she ever consider asking Trina about the secret to the (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!!, she clearly passed the scene if she can audition for other plays. You know what? Fuck this, let's talk about the subplot.
Robbie and Andre' hatch a scheme to hit on girls, it involves going up to a girl they fancy and ask her out. Wait a second, no? Its not that simple? Instead, they sign up for Ballet Class, that's sure not a cliched way to pick up women, and it sure isn't stupid to think any girl would even want to talk to you after you show up to her wearing tights and slippers. In a totally original idea, all the other boys seem to have signed up for the same class to talk to women. Someone explain to me how this seems like a good idea? Andre' and Robbie decide to bail this sausage-palooza and walk off to drop the class, but the teacher says if they do that, they will fail the class. I don't think the teacher knows that that is not how dropping a class works. The boys are doomed, when out of nowhere, a girl shows up and all the boys rush over to her. You know, for kids! The end of this dead horse plot involves Robbie and Andre' dancing together and kicking each other in the balls at the end of their dance. Actually pretty funny.
Back to (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!!, Tori does the scene for a fucking third time, going out of her way to make sure she has a real bird as well as sound effects and costumes, and surprise!, she fails it. I'd like to point out that everytime Mr. Sikowitz says Tori fails the scene, Jade gives a smirk. Does that mean anything important? No, because Tori then proceeds to whine in a totally obnoxious tone that I really got sick of this episode and changed the channel. Then I remembered I have a duty here in this blog and went back to the episode on its never-ending repeats in the Nickelodeon schedule lineup. Tori says she did nothing wrong and she thinks her performance was great despite whatever any professional actor tells her. This causes her to pass the (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! Maybe because Mr. Sikowitz doesn't want Tori to do the fucking scene a fourth time.
It turns out that the whole secret to (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! was to not let anybody discourage you into believing you were wrong, and that a true artist should believe in their own choices. Mr. Sikowitz then says she did the scene wonderfully, she failed it when she asked how she did. So lets clarify this, the purpose of this scene was to make the students learn that if anybody gives you a critique, or if you ask how you did, you should ignore anything they say because all that matters is your own opinion, and if you suck you should never ask anybody for feedback and that should not let it stop them because if they believe they have the talent, even when they don't, they can achieve all their dreams? Hollywood Arts is recruiting a new batch of Prima-Donna actors.
Finally, this episode decides to end, and Tori can now act in her play, I wish we could see that play instead of anything this stupid episode had to offer, but it gets more dumb. Tori unveils her locker design, a skyline with the words Make it Shine on it, and the words....GLOW, oh mah gowd! Who gives a shit?
Retrospective on the Episode:
The Slap Update to The Head: Must learn "the bird scene" ~p.s. my teacher throws balls at people :O (Mood: Thinky) This is why the blog started, Dan Schneider is one sick fuck.
Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE, not just the scene, the whole episode.
Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: Coconuts are extremely fattening and unhealthy for you.
Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: The boy's rushing to molest the lonely girl in the Ballet Class, Cat being handcuffed to a banister. The worst of them all, Sikowitz throwing his balls in students faces. Its only the second episode and some sweaty guy is enjoying writing sick perverted helpless girl jokes.
Hidden in the Closet: Andre' and Robbie's dance scene. Rex proclaiming, "Nobody knows what I got." Remember, Robbie talks through Rex, the guy wants people to see his penis.
Continuity Snub: (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!!
Breakin' The Law: I'm fairly sure you aren't supposed to throw your balls in a child's faces.
Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Cat, from being handcuffed, to having water poured over her, to having teacher's balls in her face. This girl can't catch a break.
Make it Shine?: Make her Whine.
Conclusions: A boring episode where the plot dies after the second attempt of the scene, this episode is marginally worse than the awful pilot.
No comments:
Post a Comment