Dan Schneider is a horrible person. He hasn't (to my knowledge at least...) committed crimes or done anything morally disgusting, I say the man is horrible because he is the creator and producer of many unfunny children shows on Nickelodeon. This is a big problem to me because I grew up with Nickelodeon during the early 90's, and for me to see a wonderful children's network, full of creative, clever, witty, and funny television shows for children and adults alike turn into the cesspool of crap it is today is rather sad. I am amazed he managed to make so many terrible shows in amazing succession and still mange to have a job. But Nickelodeon allows the fat beast to get away with releasing a shit storm of stupid shows dedicated towards children. To be honest I must give the man credit, Children this day and age are fucking stupid and will enjoy anything even if its nothing but lame Fart Jokes, and believe me Dan's humor makes Fart Jokes seem like Seinfeld.
What I'm basically saying is that Dan has resorted to sticking to making children shows to be protected from any form of criticism. His shows are so stupid they make Adam Sandler movies have the same quality as Monty Python and The Holy Grail. What I accuse Dan Schneider of doing is writing shows that are devoid of anything you can consider intelligent writing and marketing it for children is a sure fire way to ensure the cop out argument, "Oh, its for children!" I go everywhere on the Internet and find people in total denial that Dan Schneider is not in anyway a shitty writer and creates some of the worst television shows to plague the viewers who are smart to realise the truth.Combine that with the fact that Nickelodeon has allowed him to make a slew of shows and he's virtually unstoppable. I will confess, I have watched his early work, All That, Kenan and Kel, even Drake and Josh, but looking back you realise that they were deep down horrible shows. All That got really bad when they allowed that harpy Amanda Bynes to appear, Kel got really stupid that it was no longer funny to watch a mental patient do stupid things and be excused in the name of "comedy", and admit it, Drake and Josh got bad when Josh lost all that weight.
I know that after you read this paragraph, you probably said, "Its a Kid's show you asshole!" or "Who cares?" Well you're right, nobody has to care. But the former of your statement is my point, Dan is unstoppable from criticism. Now, he made a show I find utterly appalling. The show is called Victorious.
Yes, Victorious, not iCarly or Zoey101, I never bothered watching Zoey101 because I can't stand Jaime Lynn Spears, and as for iCarly, I have seen the show sometimes and while it is the worst show Dan Schneider has created, I seen one saving grace, Neville. Because of Neville, a character who has actually made me laugh by being genuinely funny, I have admitted that even the worst of the worst does have its moments.
Victorious on the other hand is devoid of anything good to say. The characters' suck, the plots' (if there is one) are all horrible, there is no development, nothing changes, no continuity, and worst of all, other than bad acting, is there is nothing funny about the show. So in the interest of torturing myself for your amusement, I present the Victorious Sucks Blog, where I recap all the episodes and try to help you understand what is wrong with Dan Schneider.
I think we should start with getting to know the characters, its only fair.
1. Tori Vega
Lets start with the "Main Character" right? Well, she sucks ass, this has to be a more painful character to have to sit through as the main bitch than Carly Shay. Other than her name being Tori, as in Victorious, that is the wittiest Dan Schneider will get with anything regarding her character and the show itself. Tori is arrogant, rude, surly, greedy, joyless, selfish, superficial, obnoxious, entitled, bitchy, short-tempered, petty, impatient, jealous, envious, and neurotic. If I forgot anything please tell me. This is not really a bad thing though because I guess that Dan gave her a personality of some sort, even if her personality is totally horrible. At least she is not as flat as her chest. (BURN!) As usual with all Dan's main characters who happen to be female, Tori is a Mary Sue, she is constantly pined over, loved by all, is the center of attention, and seems to win all the lead parts in the school's many plays and musicals. She also has a bad habit of kissing her friends boyfriends, oh that is so nice Dan, way to set examples for kids!
2. Jade West
Goth Tori, she is mean, rude, arrogant, and rather bitchy. Good characterization Dan Schneider, already two unlikable characters! Anyway, Jade is Goth, which means she is so stereotyped that it makes me believe Dan Schneider never went to High School and gets his ideas of Teenage Subcultures from the Internet. Jade wears all black and has piercings and loves the macabre, just like all Goth people! Other than that originality, Jade is a very conflicted character, she is obviously emotionally damaged as she is mean to every other character on the show, yet for some reason, hangs out with them on a regular basis, which means she just wants to have friends but doesn't know how to. Her name is a play on Jaded, I guess Schneider doesn't know what Jaded means because it doesn't mean be a total Cunt to everybody, and her last name is West, as in the Wicked Witch of the West. Dan Schneider is calling an underage girl a bitch.
3. Andy Samberg
Okay, you got me, I know his name is Robbie Shapiro. But the joke here is that he looks like Andy Samberg, a joke that got old before it started. Robbie is the most sympathetic character on the show, he is tormented by everybody, nobody likes him, he gets no respect, his "friends" hate him and treat him like shit. Why does he bother hanging out with this people? Dan Schneider must have been a bully in School (if he went, his concept of school is totally fucked up.) because he is nasty to anybody he stereotypes as nerds. Its not funny at all, its sad to watch a teenager be so shy he has to talk through a Puppet, which even insults him at times, this means Robbie suffers from severe depression and bouts of self-loathing.
4. Andre' Harris
The token black person on the show. Seriously, there are only a few other black people in Victorious. (His Grandmother, and ?) This entry is going to be short, because Andre' is a useless character. Other than be a musician, he only shows up to drive the plot when Dan Schneider doesn't remember how to progress with the story.
5. Cat Valentine
Have you ever had a friend who always said really, REALLY, stupid things? And after that friend said something stupid, you just look at said friend with awkward silence? That is Cat. The thing is she is very stupid, she is so stupid that Dan Schneider is making fun of the Mentally Retarded with just how stupid the show makes her. Nothing she says is rife with any concept of sentient thought. She says things that make you think, "who the fuck thinks this random wacky statement is actually funny?" Other than being offensive to handicapped people, Cat serves as the shows Fap Material to hormonally berserk teenage boys.
6. Trina Vega
Trina is Tori's sister who is in Hollywood Arts High School for absolutely no reason. She has no talent, so the other characters say, because I think that anybody who wears her outrageously stupid boots she wears throughout the show requires a ton of talent to not result in a compound fracture in her ankles. Other than that, I heard her sing, she isn't really that bad, but her acting sucks. So maybe that's the problem? Nobody seems to like her because she acts like a Diva who thinks everyone owes her a lot of admiration.
7. Beck Oliver
After six rather unlikable characters, Dan Schneider makes an astounding seventh unlikable one, and boy howdy, is he useless. Beck is Jade's boyfriend, I don't know why since they have absolutely nothing in common and Jade is completely jealous and suspicious of his every movement. Other than being in a healthy relationship he is a Gary Stu because all the girls, and some guys, love him and his hair. Other than looking like Aladdin, he's Canadian, which is a not funny joke everyone reminds him of.
And there you have it! The main seven and all of them are lame. There are other characters but they are not shown much or they are just lame. Join me next post when I talk about the first episode of victorious after a summary of the episode, I will have a retrospective, which include these categories:
Annoying Song Alert: Since this show is a pathetic rip-off of of the pathetic show, Glee, expect there to be annoying songs sung by the cast. Oh wait, I mean Tori and Cast. I kid you not, they actually credit the songs like that. What is the point of all these characters if you are going to glorify one of them?
Great Moments in Bad Song Writing: Obviously, a category to expose the worst lyric in the songs of this show. Since the songs are written by the cast themselves, expect some really bad attempts at songwriting.
The Slap Update to The Head: This show offers Slap updates that are supposed to be exposition, but end up making the viewers look like idiots. This category will show the worst of the worst updates, hopefully per episode.
Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: A customary staple in Dan's television shows are the actors yelling and screaming their lines, or delivering them dully, or just plain bad. This category is dedicated to actors who can't act.
Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: Dan Schneider is a avid food lover for one who is supposed to be following the Vegan path. The guy's humor is mostly based off of food jokes, so this will reference the jokes pertaining to food.
Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: Possibly the sickest category of them all, as some of the jokes in this show are disturbingly sexual, keep in mind, this is a live action show with underage child actors and the jokes were written by a team of men in their 30's to 40's.
Hidden in the Closet: Homosexual jokes go here. Remember, this is a kids show, written by adults, acted out by minors.
Dan Schneider is Fo' Rizzle Wit Da Kizzos': Dan Schneider thinks he is cool with the children, a little too disturbing sometimes, and other times, painfully embarrassing when he tries to make up "totally awesome" lingo for idiot children to emulate. This category exposes just how out of touch with the kids he really is.
Continuity Snub: Since Dan Schneider can't be bothered to do a simple edit for his work, many shows contain serious continuity errors. So this will catalogue the biggest mistakes in certain episodes.
Breakin' The Law: In the Schneiderverse, he loves making the characters break the law and get away with felonies. This will portray any questionable law breaking or plain bad parenting, or whatever is questionably moral.
Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Out of the four main girls, they all seem to try to out slut each other in each episode. so this category shows who was acting the most pedo-bait of them all in the current episode.
Make it Shine?: A running gag.
Conclusions: A conclusion of everything said above in each post.