Tori is rightfully annoyed and Andre' happens to suggest that Tori perform a song for her sister. That's not a bad idea, too bad you have to perform that song for the entire week. Trina is a spoiled bitch. Tori and Andre' write the song, which really involves Andre' doing all the work while Tori sits there with her ridiculous boots on, the song they eventually create is called You're the Reason. Andre' says it's no chizz, what the hell is a chizz? Andre' says its a German Sausage, I think its the white liquid that comes out of the "German Sausage". Anyway, Tori performs the song for Trina, Tori went out of her way to perform this song, because there is a fucking band and background singers and dancers, also stage lights and well rehearsed choreography. Jesus Crackers, you went out of your way, huh Tori? No twenty dollar minimum for you? Anyway, after giving Trina one of the best birthday presents ever, Trina then has the balls to ask where is her real present. Trina is a total fucking cunt, Tori should have baked her a cake made entirely out of dog shit and mud instead.
To make matters even worse Tori asks her why she doesn't think that the entire performance was not her gift. Trina says that because she didn't spend any money on the song, then its not a present. Okay, so many things wrong here. First of all, how did Tori get everybody to perform for free? Second, Trina is a cunt. Third, I fail to see how a song that shows Trina how much she means to her sister is not a present. Fourth, has Trina ever heard of, its the thought that counts? Fifth, enough of this horrible display of bitchiness, lets go on to the subplot, shall we?
Robbie is helping his grandmother learn how to use the Internet. He starts to get annoyed with her constantly calling him, so he decides to trick someone else into sharing his pain and suffering. Damn, are all the kids in California assholes? Look Robbie, deal with it, the lady just wants help and is not Tech savvy, I'm so sorry that she is stealing your precious time of doing nothing and talking to puppets, it must cut into your busy life. Who is the person he bothers to help him do a simple task? Beck? No way, Beck is useless. He enlists Cat, because she is obviously the best choice for technology. The girl gets easily offended from stupid things and doesn't even know her left knee from her right elbow and you ask for her help? Anyway, Cat is instantly hated by Grandmother Shapiro, who happens to be Renee Taylor, who is probably best known as Sylvia Fine from the Nanny. I guess she has fallen on hard times. Mamaw Shapiro hates Cat's hair color and blames it on Cat possibly hating her mother. You would hate your mother too if she drank during pregnancy.
Mamaw also shows Robbie a girl named Brenda, who she thinks would be better suited for Robbie. Robbie is not interested. Robbie, in your pathetic condition, take what you can get. After helping Mamaw with the Internet, Robbie notices that it was a mistake as the next day she happens to be over a video chat while Robbie is doing a report about Vaudeville. She points out that Robbie actually brings his fucking puppet, Rex, to school. I love Mamaw. Robbie and Cat go back to Mamaw's apartment to help her again and she is relentless to Cat, mentioning that she has to suffer from psychological problems if she dies her hair. Seeing how that is completely true with Cat and Jades' cases of being fucked up bitches with colored hair, I think Mamaw should be a permanent character on the show. After sitting through Mamaw's insults against Cat, Robbie shows that nobody messes with his girl and cuts his grandmother's Internet cord. He then points out that the computer company cancelled the Internet and he doesn't have to help his Grandmother anymore. Robbie and Cat hold hands and run out of the apartment. I love this subplot.
Okay, we have to finish the real subplot. I refuse to acknowledge that the whole Birthweek song is the main plot since it was nowhere near as well written, interesting, or funny as the subplot. And this plot is shamefully shorter than the subplot. After Tori kicks everyone out of the house, while it's raining, at least she was kind enough to give all the guests one umbrella, and talks to Trina personally, she tells her that this was her present, and she worked hard on it, but Trina is such a horrible human being she disregarded the entire situation and insists that Tori failed to give her a real present. Goddammit do I hate Trina. Congratulations Schneider, you managed to make a worse character than Megan Parker and Sam Puckett combined! Tori then does a stupid thing and gives her the flash drive that contains the song. Why? She is so ungrateful that giving her anything, even Tori's own feces in a box, would be too generous.
The next day, Jade appears and makes Tori drink coffee she found in the garbage. Why? Tori tells her that her gift was a failure and then Trina appears and says she sold the song to her friends uncle and bought a hat with the money, which she says is Tori's real birthday present. Trina should be hit by a car before the end of this episode. She got money from the uncle for the song, because he owns a record label and decided to let Trina record the song, as she said she was the real singer of the song. Correction, Trina MUST be repeatedly run over by a car before the end of the episode. Tori is so pissed off at the disgusting depths her sister sank to and instead of kicking her straight in the pussy, she gives her the garbage coffee. That is not punishment. Tori should have fucked her boyfriend and had his child, that would have been a more legitimate punishment. Then Trina gets run over by a car, repeatedly. Then Trina's corpse gets struck by lightning. Then she shits over her dead corpse.
In a shocking twist, Dan Schneider's inability to write any build-up to any episode he makes actually is a saving grace, as Trina is instantly at the recording studio. Thank God, this horrible episode is almost over! Trina can't sing the song right because she sucks. I swear I was actually praying that Trina got killed by a freak accident involving the microphone. But alas, no, she is finally called out for lying about being the real singer, and decides to call Tori to sing the song. In a completely stupid turn of events, Tori actually decides to sing the song. Why? Trina is a fucking whore, and you actually are helping her? Does Tori think that she is going to come off as the better sister by doing this nice deed for her? The Vega family sucks ass. To end this disgusting episode, the producer gets a call, mid-song, and stops Tori to tell her that the friend of the producer played the song for Beyonce, who loved it, and wants to record it. Beyonce, go fuck yourself. The producers run off and leave Tori, Trina, and Andre' in the studio, with the lights off. Seriously? This is how you end an episode?
Retrospective on the Episode:
Annoying Song Alert: You're the Reason.
Great Moments in Bad Song Writing: "You're the only reason that I'm not afraid to fly." Humans don't fly, shithead.
The Slap Update to The Head: Still MAD at Trina. U reading this Trina? Hope so!
(Mood: Irked)
Tori, if Trina didn't care about the really nice thing you did for her, do you expect her to read your little status update?
Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: "Then it's not a Present."
I made a doll with the face of Trina, The Queen of Bitches, stapled on it and punched it repeatedly.
Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: Garbage Coffee? Dan, eating out of the garbage is a serious sign you need help for your eating disorder.
Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: The entire performance for Trina's birthday was a slut fest. From Tori's dress that was cut up to her naval, to the erotic backup dancers, to Tori giving her sister a lap dance. Me thinks that you should never shake hands with Dan Schneider if you ever meet him in public.
Dan Schneider is Fo' Rizzle Wit Da Kizzos':
Continuity Snub: Remember when I said in the last post about Jade and Tori learning to get along? Well, fuck it, because Jade gave Tori garbage coffee, way to stay consistent with your work Schneider.
Breakin' The Law: The song belongs to Tori and Andre', Beyonce steals it and doesn't give credit to the writer. Knowing that Tori won't do anything because committing felonies is perfectly legal in the Schneiderverse, Beyonce will make millions off of the song.
Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Surprisingly not Cat, the biggest Jailbait of this episode is, no question, Tori.
Make it Shine?: Brake Trina's Spine.
Conclusions: If you ignore the horrendous main plot, this is a good episode. Sadly, the best part of the episode is considered the subplot and we get one of the worst episodes in the series.
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