Jade Dumps Beck

Summary: Based on the title of this episode it seems that Dan Schneider might have started understanding that any television show, even children's sitcoms, need to have a plot of some sort. I guess I can't be that pissed off at it for actually attempting to have some continuity.

Whatever, let's get on with the review, shall we?

Beck has been a little too friendly with local billionaire daughter, Alyssa Vaughn. Beck is a total fucking douche bag. Despite the fact that there are photographs everywhere over the Internet, and Beck is too friendly with her, and he is in a perfectly healthy relationship with a girl who is not in anyway jealous, he claims that they are just friends. Tori is dumb enough to believe him. Beck can't keep his mouth off of any girl in his path, he already kissed Tori and will kiss Cat and Trina in a later episode, and he is supposed to be just friends with this other chick? Pretty soon, Jade finds out what the hell is going on and gets annoyed at Beck for hanging out with other girls who are prettier than her. Jade really should see a psychiatrist. She believes she is so ugly that any other girl is prettier than her, therefore she believes Beck would leave her at the sight of any other girl she deems a threat. If Beck was a good human being, instead of a evil, corrupt, bastard, he would leave her, and pay for her therapy.

Jade demands that Beck no longer talk to Alyssa and he should never text her again. Oh, they are really just friends. That's why friends always drive their pals in a Lamborghini. Of course Tori is dragged into this argument, because we need to actually "drive" the plot somewhere. Tori then gets involved in a cliche argument where she agrees to disagree with each other until Jade tells Beck they are done as a couple. I'm glad Jade is learning to stand up for herself. Beck then decides to become even more disgusting than Trina by continuing to spend time with Alyssa. This guy should be beaten to death for being such a fucktard. I mean really, the guy loved Jade? Really? He shows no concern for her at all. This doesn't even make Jade realize that they were never a true couple and Beck, clearly, doesn't have any feelings for her at all, because she gets jealous of Alyssa and Beck being more than simply friends. Jade then rushes into Tori's house crying because she wants Beck back.

Folks, I think its time to talk about the subplot, because all this garbage between an emotionally damaged girl and a alpha douche with a stupid There's Something About Mary-esque hairstyle is seriously boring the hell out of me. Anyway, Trina decides to do a one-woman show, titled Trina! (give me a break), and decides to use Robbie, the guy she doesn't love, as a reviewer. Robbie really doesn't have to even bother watching a preview of her show to already deduce it sucks ass. However, he is forced to write a good review of the performance, because the other students don't deserve to watch actual talented thespians. Robbie's better sense of judgement gets the best of him over his raging hormones to get into Trina's panties so he doesn't post the review. Trina gets angry and forces him to show it anyway. Robbie asks Andre' what should he do, Andre' suggests that he claim her performance as a comedy. And then forces Robbie to pay him twenty dollars. Andre' is now a horrible character too. After Robbie rewrites his review as a comedy, and I mean really, would anybody take her play serious? Trina gets annoyed, and breaks into Robbie's history class, oh they do have real academic classes! I thought this was a school for children's psychiatric evaluation!  Trina throws his desk and Rex across the classroom to assault a student. Does Trina even go to this school or does she just trespass and run around acting like she has any talent in hopes of being cast in some movie? Anyway, she then performs her play, I must not lie, that song she sings about Chicago is rather entertaining. The audience loves her performance, the end. Really, I am still pissed off at Trina for her horrible personality.

Back to Jade and Tori, Jade compares their relationship to a broken kite, seriously, Tori, call the fucking mental hospital on her. Jade begs Tori to talk to Beck because that would mean that she would appreciate that gesture and try like her as a friend. Remember in episode three where it seemed that they made up and decided to get along? Well, forget it again because Jade is still nasty to Tori. Maybe I am too harsh on her, maybe she just doesn't know how to have friends, maybe she is afraid of being hurt so she puts up a mean persona to push away anybody before they break her heart. Wow, I...I must admit, Dan Schneider actually made me feel empathy for a character. Tori then agrees to talk to Beck, and tries to convince them to get back together. She meets up with him at his Trailer house, oh, that explains why he's a scumbag, he's trailer trash! Beck insists its an RV, its a fucking trailer shitbrain. He lives here because he doesn't want to live by his parents rules. What a douche bag. Tori tells him to take Jade back, but Beck says that Jade never did anything nice for him. Then why the fuck did you stay with her, you stupid asshole? Tori says that's bullshit because she had to do at least something, even if Jade makes Beck have his way with her because he can't find a real girlfriend, so he says that Jade got him a can of lemonade for his birthday. I think Beck deserves that because he is the worst kind of scum to walk the planet. The kind who hunt down unstable girls and then lies to them about actually liking them, while sucking them dry of any self-esteem they have because they believe they found true love.

Tori then goes back to Jade and says you really can't give boyfriends lemonade for their birthday, that creepy Sinjin appears and hits on Jade, who starts counting so he starts running away. Hey look Jade, this guy actually likes you, don't be a prude. When Jade realizes that Beck is not going to take her back she starts crying and drags Tori in the Janitor's closet, she says why wouldn't Jade take her back, she's hot and cool. Tori actually says a smart thing, that's not the only reason anybody should like each other. Jade doesn't care about any emotional bond, or actually having shit in common with any potential love interest, she just wants Beck back to boost her crushed self-esteem. Tori tells her to show that she loves Beck. Tori, you are enforcing a destructive relationship on the grounds of absolutely nothing. Am I the only one who noticed that these children are horrible? They are destroying Jade's fragile mind with lies and deceit, and Jade is supposed to be the mean one? Jade decides to get Beck his favorite Dog, a Rottweiler, or as she mispronounces for comedic effect, Rottenheimer. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Oh stop it Schneider, my sides are killing me! Then, a man in a snuggie tells them to just get him a dog. What?

The girls bring the dog to Beck's trailer and they figure that with a dangerous Dog, Jade and Tori hope that the Dog won't rip his throat out and eat his face, but instead lick his hand and fetch his slippers. Why not bring a fucking grizzly bear to his house instead?  As nobody expected anything different, the Dog is set loose in his trailer and starts to maul and devour Beck. Oh wait, it's not Beck, it's his father being killed in his own home by a crazy attack dog. You know, for children! After saving Beck's father, who is promptly carried off to a hospital, Jade apologizes and blames Tori for everything. I take back what I said about Jade, she is also a cunt. She didn't think the dog would go crazy and try to attack his father. What a moron. Jade then says that she doesn't want Beck to stop loving her. When did he start? Beck then says he never stopped loving her, fucking liar....They kiss and Tori is left all alone.

Retrospective on the Episode:

Annoying Song Alert: Chicago. Which I actually will confess was not a bad song.

Great Moments in Bad Song Writing: Surprisingly, the song is not annoying, and its also well written. Here's the lyrics so you can sing along, as the song is heavily infectious and its already scarred itself into my subconscious:
Chicago! Chicago!
It's a city that's exciting! It's a city that's inviting,
It's a city for a woman just like me!
There's a lake they call Lake Michigan!
I think I'm really fitting in!
This city is my perfect cup of Tea! Chicago! Chicago!

The Slap Update to The Head: On a mission... but how did I get to be the LOVE DOCTOR?!? (Mood: Hopeful) Tori, stop being a helpless bitch.

Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: Chicago! Chicago!

Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: When Robbie doesn't publish his review of Trina's play, she dumps his head into his Cream of Mushroom Soup. That's a rather unhealthy choice of food as its loaded with salt, milk, cream, and butter. So it must be good for a Vegan to eat, no wonder most vegans are lard buckets. Oh, and Vegans aren't supposed to eat dairy.

Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: A paramedic asks Beck if he is he's old enough when Chris Hanson appears and...okay, he doesn't really appear.

Dan Schneider is Fo' Rizzle Wit Da Kizzos': See kids, if you want your boyfriend back, make sure to bring a vicious attack dog to his house to maul his father. That will get him back in love with you in no time!

Continuity Snub: I though Beck didn't drink water from Mountain Streams? That's probably why the guy is enjoying a bottle of Crystal Waters.

Breakin' The Law: I wonder who will be charged with assault, attempted murder, mauling, attempted manslaughter, and attack with a vicious animal?

Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Nobody, the girls wore respectable clothing and Cat was absent from this episode. She probably was tied up at the moment.

Make it Shine?: For Beck, she pines.

Conclusions: This episode starts off bland, but then gets decent, builds up, and then after you think that the episode will have a satisfying conclusion and the characters will evolve and develop, Dan Schneider pulls a typical Schneiderism and the last five or so minutes are among the worst in a Victorious episode I have seen. The most disappointing episode so far.