Tori the Zombie

Summary: The episode starts with Tori and Robbie practicing their lines for some production only featuring the main cast because there is only eight children in the school. After Tori and Beck exchange dialogue, Disco music starts playing. Jade gets up and screams, "What up with the Disco?", Sinjin says he hit the wrong thing, and Jade says that fifteen years ago his mother gave birth to the wrong thing. Jade, was that necessary? Besides, fifteen years? I though Sinjin was older than the entire cast. Anyway, they decide to take a break and the director says Robbie sucked at his performance after he asks him how he did. Hey Mr. Director, Robbie is my main dude, fuck off. Jade then pulls out her phone and says she got an e-mail from the principal saying that Sophia Michelle is coming to the school to attend their performance of the play they are doing, Uptown, Downtown. Tori then asks who is Sophia Michelle, Jade then gets frustrated and says that Tori gets the lead part when she has no clue who the lady is. Jade has a point, how can she not know the playwright of the play she is acting in. Tori even confuses her for an actress in a commercial, instead of one of the biggest playwrights in the country. How did Tori get in this school. Just then Sinjin plays disco because it wasn't funny the first time and Jade asks him to kill it, Sinjin then says you can't kill disco. He's right, you can't kill what was already dead. Kind of like Dan Schneider's entire career.

Tori is then looking for Cat, who is in her makeup class. You now have to go to school for that? Cat is putting the finish touches on the makeup job she did on this ungrateful bastard, revealing him to be turned into a cute monster instead of a terrifying monster and he storms off. Cat then asks for Tori to help her project, because if she doesn't turn anybody into a hideous monster she will fail the class, this school has a very strict pass/fail ratio, any little infraction is grounds for failure. Tori, the "nice, sweet, caring Mary Sue" would rather cram a turkey sandwich down her throat so she won't starve. Wow, thanks a lot, you selfish whore. Cat begs her to help her, but Tori won't budge because she has to memorize her lines. Hey Tori, remember the (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE??? Even if you don't practice your lines, who cares? You're opinion matter over everything else. Later, Tori and Andre' are practicing their singing, when Andre' asks her to sing the song as a old Jazz Singer. Cue a lame Louie Armstrong impression, when Cat appears to remind her that she has to help her with the makeup thing. Andre' calls Cat little red, which she gets offended, because she can't understand a simple nickname. Tori then wants to get it over with, way to be helpful you slut. Andre' decides to leave, I wish I could too.

Cat then reveals her makeup job, Tori looks the same as she usually does. No, just kidding, now she's a ugly zombie. What is the difference? Tori looks malnourished anyway. Tori then says she looks hideous, at least she admits it. The girls decide to scare Trina, who doesn't get scared, because she saw her grandmother naked, so she never gets scared anymore. After Tori poses for Cat's photographs, Trina notices that Cat has glue in her makeup supplies. In a completely original idea, it turns out to be industrial strength glue, the makeup won't come off. What kind of makeup needs glue to stick onto anybodies face is beyond me, but Tori can't get the makeup off. Cat got the makeup because of the cute grizzly bear on it. I can't say anything about how fucking moronic Cat is because I would risk being offensive to a mentally challenged person. Tori is lamenting that now she can't be in the play because she has to be beautiful, she never was. Andre' returns with pizza, but then leaves when he sees the three girls yelling at each other. Nice to see you help out your friends, asshole. 

Sadly, there is no subplot to distract us from the rest of the episode, which boils down to Tori being very bitchy, and Cat and Trina being as completely unhelpful as they possibly can be. This is basically it, until Tori gets the Zombie makeup off her face. Yes, SPOILER WARNING. Cat and Trina are calling the doctor's while Tori is complaining about her itchy nose, Tori, shut the fuck up. Trina gets off the phone and tells her that she needs parents permission to get breast implants. They won't make up for your disgusting personality. Cat is being yelled at on the phone for being stupid. Tori bitches that Sophia Michelle is going to laugh at her for being ugly instead of being beautiful. I would like to mention that their is an answer to this whole problem. Where the fuck is the understudies? Seriously, you have a play with no understudies? What kind of school is this? Cat then gets off the phone and tells then that they have a solution, a glue remover that is not sold in stores, instead they have to pick it up at Grizzly Industries, all the way in Bakersfield. Its two hours away, but instead of driving off right now, they decide to go tomorrow. Cat says Trina and her can pick up the glue before her play, after school, instead of doing what every teen has done in high school and cut class. Would they miss anything? All they learn is how to become ego maniacal bastards and how to apply makeup, oh, and throw balls in their faces. Then the bell rings, Tori answers it and scares the girl scouts away. Who cares?

Next day, all the students are rehearsing, and instead of the obvious Zombie in the room, the director says that Robbie is terrible. Seriously man, go fuck yourself. He then says that Tori is still hideous. Cue Cat and Trina driving to Bakersfield, Trina is applying makeup instead of watching the road, and is a little mouthy to Cat. The phone rings, and Tori bitches at them if they found the solvent. The girls tell Tori they aren't at the factory yet. Tori says the play starts in two hours, they agreed to go after school. The play starts in two hours and it takes them two hours to drive there and I assume two more hours to drive back. Nobody did a simple schedule check? What a bunch of idiots. Hey guys, I think you should go to a real school instead of Hollywood Arts, that way we won't have a new generation of Bimbos and Meatheads.

Remember what I said about this episode just being about Tori bitching as the other girls being as unhelpful as possible? Well, the rest of the episode is just Tori threatening them, and Trina not paying attention to the road, that's it. But I still got nine fucking minutes left of this episode, so I got to suffer through the rest of this mess. The play begins, Sophia Michelle entered the studio, and sits down next to Rex, why does Rex have a seat? Tori still has the makeup on, there is still no understudy, and Jade can't take over for Tori because no one can take over her part. Jade tells the director that he shouldn't wear scarves inside. She has a point. Tori then calls the girls who tell her they are on there way but they are still taking forever because they stopped for a "Creamy-Delicious Emergency". They stopped for ice-cream. Is everyone in this episode braindead? They also get pulled over by the cops. Lovely.

The play must go on, so Tori is still in her makeup, and the girls are now rapping in the car. Cat can't say Booty, because its dirty, but she can take balls in the face. Back to the play, Robbie's character is asking to marry Zombori, who punches him. Then she sings with Beck, who is still as useless as ever before, because he sings one line. Why is he in this school? After singing a song, the girls finally show up with the solvent. Tori motions for Andre' to drag out the song, cue everyone else improvising perfectly to the prolonged song, as if they all knew if there was a situation at hand. The girls then all frantically get the makeup off her face, Tori is still bitching that they have to hurry or she will miss the song. Still, no fucking understudy? In a completely cliched way, Tori magically appears to sing her part with no makeup on, and they end the play with everything back to normal again.

The episode looks like it will fini....no, Sophia then says that she liked the play but didn't remember when she wrote Tori's character as an ugly beast. The other guys all look befuddled and decide that telling her the truth about the makeup malfunction is the worst thing to do, but Sophia says that she liked their interpretation of the play as she thinks that the Zombie makeup was a commentary about how beauty is on the inside and the two guys loving an ugly girl shows that they looked through her condition and saw a beautiful girl., the entire play was all about Substance over Beauty. I think I should clarify things; EVERYONE in California is a moron. Robbie asks her what she thought of him and she walks off, nobody respects Robbie, I hate you Dan Schneider. Then Sinjin plays disco music and they all disco dance. What an ending!

Annoying Song Alert: Two! Finally Falling and Five Fingaz to the Face.

Great Moments in Bad Song Writing: Finally Falling is actually a well written song, however, Five Fingaz has amazing lyrics like this: Now freeze...freeze...freeze
Now go. Drop it fast and move it real slow. HO! What?!

The Slap Update to The Head: Never send Trina and Cat to do ANYTHING!!! (Mood: Desperate) Tori, if you sent competent people, then we wouldn't have had an episode.

Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: Daniella Monet (Trina) can't act for shit.

Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: Ice Cream, Pizza, Girl Scout Cookies. Yes sir, Danny Boy is truly going to be healthy with dairy, fat, and sugar overloads.

Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: Tori had white glue like material on her face. That probably wasn't glue.

Dan Schneider is Fo' Rizzle Wit Da Kizzos': Disco.

Continuity Snub: (inhale) THE BIRD SCENE!!! seemed to not teach anybody about artistic integrity.

Breakin' The Law: Trina and Cat get pulled over by a cop? Excuse me, this is insubordination. It is forbidden to arrest anybody in the Schneiderverse. Dan Schneider broke his own rule!

Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Tori.

Make it Shine?: Zombies Love to Whine.

Conclusions: Even though its a shallow and at times, really stupid, it's really not that bad, a surprisingly entertaining, albeit average, episode.