Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Stage Fighting

Summary: Tori meets up with Cat and Andre' and shows them her French Horn, she mentions that she likes French things. So she decides to practice the hardest instrument to play in the world. That makes as much logical sense as a teenager with bottle nipples on his locker. Andre' tells Tori to "Play some funky music white girl." Tori responds with a rather insulted tone, "I'm half Latina." Not with that ass you aren't. "Well then, hit it muchacha." Amazing! not even 3 minutes into the episode and it already exhausted its racist jokes. Pat yourself on the back Dan Schnei...oh? He didn't write this episode? Then give yourself a pat on the back George Doty IV. Not surprisingly, Tori can't play the instrument and complains its broken. No you suck at playing the French Horn. Andre' takes it and does a ridiculously fake jam session with the instrument. Nobody researched how to play the French Horn?

The episode finally remembers that it has a plot so Tori and friends go to Theatre rehearsal class when Tori sees a guy beating the shit out of Beck. I enjoyed this sequence. Tori, being the melodramatic idiot she is, jumps on the back of the bully in a lame attempt to stop him from kicking Beck's ass. The teacher of this class intervenes, and tells Tori that the attacker was a stunt actor and this was a stage fighting scene. Tori then asks what's a stunt actor, its in the name idiot. Tori then decides to join the class. After the teacher shows an example of how to throw a fake punch to the class by pretending to punch, who else, Cat in the face. Here's a thought, if Trina is the in-universe hated character, then why not do all this abuse to Trina and not to Cat? Cat is a harmless moron, abusing mental patients is not funny. The teacher then assigns the students into pairs for a class project. Tori and Jade are paired up for this project. Cue about 4 minutes of Tori bitching about how Jade is going to kill her on the day of their scene.

Tori is nervous that Jade will try to punch her or put her in the hospital. But Jade loves you Tori! Tori even asks her friends why exactly does Jade hate her so much. I don't know why Tori, maybe it has something to do with the fact you kissed her boyfriend, rubbed him sexually, and tried to save him from a Stunt Actor. But I'd actually have to agree with Andre's pretty funny quip, "Maybe she heard you play the French Horn?" On the day of Tori's scene, Tori plays an elderly woman, I guess because of Tori's paranoia, she had no time to actually make herself look like an old lady. She is wearing the worst excuse for a wig I ever seen, she doesn't even have a old lady costume on or anything. How exactly does the teachers of this school pass students? Jade is dressed as a mugger, a stereotypical mugger, like those idiots that dress up as criminals in the middle of the street to avoid any sure trouble. Mugger Jade tries to steal Elderly Tori's watch but Tori smacks her in the face with her cane. Jade collapses on the floor as she was hurt for real! Any moron and their pet monkey can tell Jade was clearly faking an injury. But no, everyone thinks Tori purposely hurt Jade. Jade is a horrible person right? So everyone believes her? What the hell happened to this school?

Everyone acts shocked and Tori runs to get Jade a chair, she just "hurt" her face you dolt, she can still walk. In a cliched turn of events the chair is a stunt chair, so it breaks apart.  Jade does a pathetic "I'm hurt!" routine which should obviously tell everyone that she is bullshitting the entire injury. Is this Tori's fault? Why yes it is, Tori is sent to the Guidance Councilor, Lane, and he tells her that even though it was an accident, she is still being punished. Why? She said it was an accident, besides, why not simply see Jade's face and see that she put make-up over her eye to pretend she was injured. Oh, wait, I forgot.
(Spoiler Alert.) Tori is punished, so she has to clean up the theatre on Friday after a staged food fight, and she will have a guard named Derek watch her so she doesn't have a violent outburst. A staged food fight? Its okay if the school damages school property and wastes food, but an accident is punished immediately without a fair hearing of alibis' from students? This school is fucking insane! Then again, what do I expect from a school that allows the teachers to throw their balls at the students faces?

Subplot Time: Robbie and Trina are auditioning for a World War II play, seriously? They kiss because war always has time for romance and Robbie develops feelings for Trina. Poor guy, he is so sexually stunted he needs a release. Maybe if he got his hand out of that puppet and practiced other one handed hobbies....Anyway, Robbie assumes Trina is in love with him. It was called acting, this students don't know what the hell acting is. Robbie decides to stalk Trina and convince him to go out with her, even asking her to convert to Judaism. This is not the personality of a sane person, maybe he should hook up with Jade since they are both mentally insane. After several unfunny attempts to get in Trina's pants, Trina gets pissed off at Robbie and spills milk on him and storms off. Cat appears and gets annoyed that Robbie believes he is in love with Trina. She tells him that it was just acting and Trina doesn't love him at all. When a mentally deficient girl starts acting logically to you, that should be a sign you are really fucked in the head. Cat then demonstrates to Robbie, and the rest of the Cabbie shippers in the world, a staged kiss to prove she doesn't have feelings for him even if they kiss. Then she says "see?" and walks off, as Robbie is now in love with her. You cock tease! I was even infatuated with that kiss, there was nothing staged about that kiss, you redheaded she-devil bitch! You're messing with the mind of a schizophrenic, self-hating Jew with a bad case of dissociative identity disorder and serious hormonal imbalance. Maybe Cat does deserve the torment she gets?

Back to the main plot, Jade is sporting a black eye, she managed to get away with it, she's being a bitch to her "boyfriend" Beck, who offers to get Jade coffee, the magic word being Lotion, Schneider loves that word. It was never funny the first time you had some schmo say that word in a joke. Jade then gets up and bumps into a girl who spills her water over her face. The makeup starts to run and Jade runs off, conveniently bumps into Andre'. See what I mean about him being there for plot convenience? Andre' notices what a trained, certified Nurse could not, Jade's black eye was a fraud. Is this a school? I mean for the love of Seinfeld, is this a madhouse or an actual school? How can anyone not notice a teenage girl's makeup? Jade then reveals that she wanted to make Tori get in trouble, so she faked the injury and tells Andre' not to tell Tori the truth. Andre' not being an idiot, runs off to tell Tori the truth. Really, I didn't see that coming.

Tori is scraping Macaroni and Cheese off the walls and Jade comes in. Tori tells her she knows the truth, and Jade is surprised that Tori didn't snitch on her. Maybe if Lane didn't want to hear Tori's side of the story, what makes you think they would believe the entire cover up? Tori says she didn't snitch because she doesn't want to fight with her. Please remember this scen, as it shows actual characterization, this is very important in later episodes. Jade is about to leave when she decides to help Tori clean the theatre. They dance to some stupid song, and even Derek the guard pitches in his help. Tori and Jade then ditch the theatre and leave Derek to clean up the mess himself. They think he is too stupid to notice that he is the only one cleaning up eventually?

Retrospective on the Episode:

The Slap Update to The Head: OMG-I just got called into the GUIDANCE COUNSELOR'S OFFICE. Whyyyy?! (Mood: Frustrated) Because Hollywood Arts is a unjust school of mental rejects and morons, not only that, you hit a girl in the face with a stick!

Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: Jade's fake injury. Not the makeup injury, as she pulled it off, the entire "I'm hurt!" scene. Andre' playing the French Horn is so bad that it shows nobody knows what a French Horn is.

Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: A food fight in the school, obviously the after effects of Dan Schneider's feeding frenzy when he had writer's block.

Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?:
Tori: "I'm a throat player!"
André: "Doesn't count."
Cat: "And it sounds kinda gross..."


Continuity Snub: Jade and Tori seem to now get along better, please do your best to remember this as it will make sense in later episodes.

Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Cat, again... I think Schneider has a crush on somebody.

Make it Shine?:  Fake a Shiner

Conclusions: Even though the episode is rather boring at times and manages to be predictable, it's not as bad as the first two episodes.




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