Pilot

Summary: Tori is working on a Science Project with some extra named Ian, when her sister, Trina, comes bursting into the house complaining that her partner for the Annual Showcase at her high school, Hollywood Arts, is Andre'. Already setting the racist mood Schneider? Besides, Annual Showcase? That's the name you come up with for the Showcase? Oh I forgot, that would imply Schneider had to actually think up of something to call the show! After rudely kicking Ian out of the house, Trina demands Tori to help her with Andre' on the song they are going to perform, Make It Shine. Trina has become the worst character on the show, and if that was Dan Schneider's intentions to make her a horrible cunt, then he did a fantastic job. While Trina is being a bitch, Andre' and Tori become friends and impress each other with their musical talent.

Tori attends the showcase, I feel bad for Ian who had to present their project by himself. I'm sure if he tells the Science teacher the truth, that his partner went to a Mental Hospital for rebellious teens who don't want to get real jobs, then maybe he might get extra credit. Suddenly, the Vega family is called backstage because Trina is dying, no, not really, she is having a severe allergic reaction to a Chinese Herb Gargle she drank to help her sing better. So she does acknowledge that she can't sing? Okay, try to remember this when she believes in later episodes that she is God's gift to the Arts. Besides, Chinese Herb Gargle? Anyway, Lane, The Guidance Counselor, asks the tried and boring question, "Is there a Doctor in the House?" if anybody can take her place. I'm fairly sure that's not how talent shows, or any contest work. Andre' says Tori can take her place because she is a Mary Sue and we need the plot to progress. Tori says she can't do it because Dan Schneider has no clue how to build dramatic tension, but then Andre' forces her to do it. She then goes on stage, sings, and the whole crowd goes crazy over her incredibly slutty dress. I mean song.

The Principal offers Tori a chance to attend the Hollywood Arts High School and Tori pulls the "Oh I can't do it." routine and doesn't think she is talented enough. Remember, this bitch just sang a song in front of an entire crowd and everyone loved it. Andre' gets sick of all this waste of broadcast time and asks the audience if Tori should join the school, they all say "Yes!" and Tori accepts instantly, what a shocker! On Tori's first day of school she gets lost and meets Robbie, a boy who talks through his puppet Rex, and Cat, who is more of a stupid bitch in this episode of she gets offended easily. Oh yeah, Dan Schneider, I remember the character Misty from Moody's Point. You know, the sketch from The Amanda Show he never finished, because he obviously ran out of ideas for who the real Moody was.

After making friends with them, Robbie tells her where to go for first period, Acting Class. After Tori enters the class, she bumps into her obvious love interest in a future episode, Beck Oliver. After she spills her coffee on him she tries to help him get it off when Jade enters and becomes rightfully pissed off at her for giving Beck 3rd degree burns. For no reason Jade accuses Tori of hitting on Beck. Now it makes sense! The reason Jade and Beck are a couple is because Jade has no self-esteem! A sane person in a healthy relationship will excuse the inconvenience and move with their life.

To end this squabble, the teacher, Mr. Sikowitz, shows up and tells them all they will do a Improv lesson. Choosing Jade to pick four people do a scene, she chooses Cat, Beck, Eli, and her new Best Friend Forever, Tori. Sikowitz then asks Robbie to pick a setting, he says "Home", Home where, Robbie? Andre is asked to provide a situation, he says "Big News". The brass at Nickelodeon ask Schneider to come up with a new television show he says "Whatever". In the situation, Beck is a father who was fired from his job and Cat and Eli are his children. Jade tells him they got a new dog, the dog is played by Tori. Come on now, you don't have to insult dogs. Jade then says that the dog has fleas' and a good way to remove them is with coffee, that's when the ASPCA breaks in and arrests Dan Schneider for animal cruelty. No? Oh well, then Jade just dumps her coffee on Tori. Everyone is surprised, especially me, because the teacher just stands there like a douche bag and doesn't bother doing anything to stop this criminal behavior.

Tori runs off, pissed off, annoyed, and embarrassed, she wants to leave the school so she starts to call her mother to tell her to pick her up. Andre' shows up, thanks to Plot Convenience, and takes away her phone, trying to convince her to stay in the school. Tori spins us a yarn that she has no talent, and she is not unique at all. She's right about that, she is just like every other Mary Sue Dan Schneider created for his other television shows. Andre' then tells Tori she shouldn't give up on her dreams and that she shouldn't allow Jade to get the best of her. Tori immediately decides to stay and the episode decides not to shamelessly end.

The next day of school, the students are in Acting Class, because this school only has Acting classes, Mr. Sikowitz introduces a Alphabet Improv game. Stick with me here because this scene drags on for a while but manages to be unfunny at the same time, so not all hope is lost. The game rules go like this; Whatever letter of the alphabet you start with you have to start your sentence with that word, then the next person has to start his sentence with the following letter, you keep going on until the last person is still in the game, and Dan Schneider buys another BMW with his expanding paycheck. Going forward, Tori, Beck, and Jade are the last players in the game and Tori's letter is K, as in Kiss me! To Beck. Beck, being the douche bag he is decides not to spare his girlfriends feelings and lose the game so Jade won't go home and commit suicide, says, "Pretty weird, Lets do it." They kiss, and Jade's fragile psyche is heard in the background, shattering like glass.

Retrospective on the Series:

Annoying Song Alert: Make It Shine.

Great Moments in Bad Song Writing:
Cause you know that if your live in your imagination,
Tomorrow you'll be everybody's fascination.
~Remember kids, live in fantasy worlds instead of facing reality. 

The Slap Update to The Head: ditching school - going to Trina's BIG SHOWCASE!
So its okay to skip school to go to some dumbass talent show?

Bad Acting in Acting School Alert: Cat's reaction to Tori saying her name is Cat, as in the Animal. Cat says, in such a bad way, "What's that supposed to mean?" Trina choking on the Chinese Herb Gargle(?). Sikowitz is supposed to be an Acting teacher but he shouts all his lines.

Dan Schneider is Supposed to Be A Vegan: There was a joke about eating pants. Seems Schneider's hunger goes farther than actual food. Beck has apples in his butt.

Why Don't You Have A Seat Right There?: (oh boy) Tori's slutty dress at the showcase is not only bad enough, she was chased by everyone to help her change into it. Jade shouts, "Why are you rubbing my boyfriend?" But the worst of them all, Andre sniffing Tori's "fish mold" scented hands and seemingly enjoying the smell too much. 

Hidden in the Closet:  Andre' is too enthusiastic about eating the delicious apples from Beck's butt.

Dan Schneider is Fo' Rizzle Wit Da Kizzos': Kids love puppets.

Breakin' The Law: Spilling coffee on a fellow classmate, in front of a teacher.

Jail-Bait Of the Episode Award: Tori, first changing into slut wear, then being degraded to a dog, then getting coffee spilled on her, then making out with someone else's boyfriend. Me thinks Dan Schneider had a fun time writing this episodes script.

Make it Shine?:  Make it Shit.

Conclusions: A very bad episode, full of unfunny jokes and drags on after it should have ended with the Showcase scene. This episode sets the very low tone for how bad the rest of the series is going to be.